hi least, boy can I relate. the "wondering what's wrong with me" part
and
thinking that the only thing that can relieve my urge, and my discomfort is drug/alcohol. I can try to get rid of that for hours and ultimately end up using.
I'm trying to let the urge just exist within me. and then trying to notice what is underneath the urge. the discomfort of lonliness, boredom, rejection is often underneath for me. and I want excitement to cure the boredom, and I want relief to cure the lonliness and rejection and anger. or when I am feeling good I get bored and want to feel better and then think that I can try to inject the power of alcohol/drugs into my system.
I've been practicing feeling this stuff in me. just feeling it. It hasn't killed me yet, but i've only been learning this for the last 6 weeks maybe.
anyway thanks for making me conscious of this.
and you can do this. you can stay clean. you will change your thoughts, somehow, and stay clean. you've been doing so good. you've posted honest stuff that's helped me and others and you can feel good about that. you are not alone in your experience of this and maybe there is some comfort in that.
keep up the good work