I'm sorry, Least...
Have you seen your doctor?
I noticed that you've had quite a few relapses this year. It's been quite a struggle. Are you dual diagnosed?
Dual diagnosed means that a person has both a substance abuse issue and a mental illness. The mental illness could be depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar spectrum disorder or a host of other things. But, they exist together, and one does not cause the other; they are each independent of the other. So, if you stop drinking, for example, the depression and/or anxiety is still there. That mental illness often causes a relapse of the substance abuse if it is not treated.
That is why I ask. Because those with dual diagnoses have a very difficult time staying sober without treatment for both the substance abuse and the mental illness -- AT THE SAME TIME -- from which they suffer. And there is *still* a controversy about that in the MH community about that fact, dispite the research that is quite clear! Indeed, the relapse rate is extremely high if one is not treated for both together.
I'm not saying you *are* dual diagnosed. I'm *asking* if you are.
Have you spoken to your doctor about your depression and anxiety in conjunction with your multiple relapses? I hope you do, and that you get the relief you seek.
In the meantime, please do take care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It helps.
Let us know how you're doing. We care.
Shalom!