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It doesnt feel like life or death to me. Or maybe I dont care enough about life to see that it is.
I really do not feel like I am dieing. But I dont feel like I am living either.
I care but I dont.
I am just very numb right now. But I do know what I should do.
Saturday I am going to treatment and am going to follow through all the way til the end.
28 days treatment. Who knows how long sober living and so on. If it takes a year in programs then so be it.
I make myself sick right now. I hate myself and see no reason in myself to want to try.
But I will make an effort because thats what is expected of me.
Maybe I will snap out of it along the way and find it in me to care about myself. Something I dont think I have ever truely doen. Care about myself. Being selfish and caring about yourself are two very different things. I have spent my whole life being selfish but hating myself the whole time.
Anyway. Thank you all of you for caring.
I hope one day I can see whta you all see.
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