| Does it even matter anymore?
Here I am waking from a 3 day crack coma. Induced by 6 strait days of constant using and running. I came very close to shooting heroin for the first time the other night. Also dodging a dealer for 4 days that really seems like he wants nothing more than to put a bullet in me for money owed.
I smell, my hair is in so many knots I will need to cut it off to get them out. My skin is dingy and scarred. My lips are chapped and bleeding. How I made it home is beyond me. I still have a couple hundred dollars left but am so drained I cant even think about wanting to get high anymore. My car is on a repo list. My family has finally disowned me. All except for the grams and that isnt too far off. Lost the job. Lost all hope for a better way at the moment.
My head is so foggy I cant seem to walk a strait line.
There is broken glass all over my room. How it got there I have no idea.
I really let myself go this time. And I see no way back from this one. I lost my voice from doing so much drugs. I am scared to look into the mirror and see the reality of this past week. I really did it this time.
Grams wants me to go to inpatient and then sober living. I kinda wanted to do that before all this happened.
But now I am so far in the BS I dont see the point.
I feel I am doomed to be this way forever. So does it even matter what I do now?
I have lost everythign I worked so hard to get back. I am barely hanging on to life. So what does it matter if I go? Just to get out of everyones way? So they dont have to deal with me anymore? Push me onto the system and hope for the best?
Why go when i dont even care anymore?
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