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Hello lostsoul7,
I'm about the same age as you and my boyfriend of over 2 years is an alcoholic. At first I knew he was drinking and was annoyed by it but didn't realize it was a problem until I found out he was stealing so he could drink. For the most part he's been unemployed but he managed to make it through school which was a struggle at times since he almost got kicked out for being absent too often.
We were living together at that time. I work a lot so I couldn't see what was always happening with him. Apparently he would leave in the morning to drink and come home early enough to sober up just enough so that he could lie to me and fool me into thinking he just 'smoked a lot of weed.'
We had many tearful conversations about his drinking, about how he needed to stop, about how he would go to AA to stop drinking so that we could still be together and be happy. He did go to AA, but only twice and those 2 times were due to 2 separate relapses.
When sober, he would be the kindest guy. He may not have taken me out to many movies or dinners, may not have showered me with gifts (due to being so broke...) but he always treated me as a woman should be treated. Even when drunk he never said a cruel word to me. When drunk he would be almost completely incoherent, he would get extremely depressed, cry, hate himself, and sometimes be self destructive.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore so I had to make him move out. He ended up living with his brother for 2 months. He was doing really well, not drinking, being productive around the house, actively looking for work. He got a job but was then fired soon after (I think he may have been stoned on more than one occasion while working which I think is why he was fired because it was affecting his productivity) so he started drinking again. Shortly after the same thing happened, got a job, lost it, started drinking.
He is now living with his parents and is on a waiting list for councelling. I recently found out that he has just started stealing again. A chance encounter with a friend told me that he had seen him drunk again. When I had confronted him later on I asked angrily if there was anything he wanted to tell me and that he had better tell me because I know. He didn't say anything but he didn't deny it when I said what I knew.
It was then (only a few days ago) that I made the decision to break up with him. Not forever, but just for now. I have since then learned that I had been enabeling him by rescuing him whether it was financially or emotionally, and by staying in our relationship, and that all the ultimatums, threats of leaving him, and keeping him on a 'short leash' were doing no good to either of us. They weren't making him stop drinking, they weren't making me feel relaxed or happy.
He has been trying to get better, he really has and I can see it. I can't force him to go to AA anymore, that's his decision to make. I've told him that I love him and want things to work out between us but that for now, I can't continue this relationship. I told him that I can't hang out with him or talk with him much on the phone but that we can communicate by email. He told me he understood and that he hates how much he's disappointed me and how he's been doing so well and will get me back one day. This is my way of detaching myself from his problem that only he can fix, I can't fix it no matter how much I try. I'm going to continue living my life and let him know I still care and haven't lost hope in him. I love him to death and want everything to work out between us but I just have to wait and see how it all turns out and do some of my own soul searching while he does his.
I really hope everything works out for you and your boyfriend whether or not you two end up together. Remember that you can't fix his problem, you can only love him and let him know how much you care.
P.S. I've been reading the book "Codependent No More" by Molly Beattie and suggest you read it too! You will probably hear about that book on this forum every now and then.
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