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Originally Posted by SS234  At the same time though, he was telling me that he was going through a selfish phase and could not "give". Meaning he did now want an exclusive relationship. |
Maybe a little commitmentphobia? Definitely a red flag. There's a great book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" you might want to check out. I just finished it, it was a definite eye-opener to some of my behavior as well as the potential partners I'd had experience with.
But to answer your question I'll give you my thoughts as an alcoholic. When I met my now ex in '93 we both had good careers and wanted children. I was an "alcoholic in intensive training", and I guess she was a good codie and enabler. So we had two kids right away and for quite awhile we lived in dysfunctional bliss. We often talked about how we'd be together "forever", but when the disease kicked in hard that turned into a "maybe" for her.
As my alcoholism progressed I ceased to be the husband and father she married, she had an affair and that killed my dream of having a faithful wife and honest mother to our children. It's sad and pretty amazing how addictions of all types can tear families apart when they looked so perfect from the outside.
As a single father in recovery I feel that I'm a very good parent and I do my best to be a good example to my children. I also have a great relationship with a woman who works her own program of recovery, I'm definitely capable of being respectful and giving towards her, my children, friends, family, etc. That's just part of practicing the 12 Steps. But those relationships take constant work, I keep my life focused on my recovery programs in AA and CoDA and do plenty of service work to help with my humility.
I'm not the same man my ex married in '93, and shortly before we were divorced she told me that she didn't want to be married to anyone in recovery, she wanted someone she could drink with. She ended up marrying the guy she had the affair with, today they can drink together happily. The disease just keeps moving on without some form of recovery.
Sorry for rambling, hope some of that made sense.