SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - What would it be like to live in a healthy family?

Nors · 12-17-2003, 09:48 PM

I've always wondered how it would of been to not have alcohol in our family.
My parents, being normal one day then not normal the next,then the third day all mean, irritated and hateful. Then there were the big physical crazy fights, yelling, name calling, put downs and the emotional cruelty, it was Really hard.
They'd be loving on the sober days. It was like they were taken from me when they were drunk, and I'd miss them. I remember that sad and scary feeling. And for them to treat me so bad when drunk was So hurtful and scary!
Then there was shame, from not wanting my friends or anyone to see them that way.
Then to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I was making trouble whenever I tried to mention something about it. Also, to remember things in their drunk minds, the next day or so, thinking that I was the one that started trouble with them, when I know the truth, and having to suffer the consiquence of whatever they percieved.
The alcohol deteriorated them til the end.
My mom is still alive, and continues to drink, her mind ruined from alcohol. Life feels completely hopeless to her, she gave up on seeing doctors. She doesn't feel like living. She refuses to meet people or to be a part of life. She's Very bitter and mean now, in her old age.
The struggles now, with myself, because of that kind of upbringing is really hard. It doesn't feel right if something doesn't go wrong. It's like having war with my mind, can't seem to concentrate on what's right, and the people in my life suffer also. I don't have very good parental skills. The cycle continued. There's a lot of disfunctional behaviors coming from my family. I can't be happy. I have a hard time believing anyone can like or love me. I feel like the lonliest person in the world. The only time I really feel like a whole person is when I have a drink.
I am also an alcoholic, but haven't had a drink since April 29th, 2002.
I have these devistating spills every once in a while, but the last time was different compared to any other time. It was like everything happened with my eyes open this time. And the next day I felt lower than low, completely hopeless. It was the lonliest feeling. I also saw the hurt in my husbands eyes again, but differently. WHY. I'm an alcoholic. I finally can feel it. Not just say it.
I don't want to die like this. I don't want to end up like my parents. Great people that threw their lives away with alcohol. I don't want to be a bitter, sad and lonely person. They let the alcohol have them. I'm not going to let it have me.
The thought of dying without ever finding true happiness is scary.
This is my life now and the minutes are ticking away.

12-17-2003, 09:48 PM	#1 (permalink)
Nors Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Bellingham, Wa. Posts: 73	What would it be like to live in a healthy family? I've always wondered how it would of been to not have alcohol in our family. My parents, being normal one day then not normal the next,then the third day all mean, irritated and hateful. Then there were the big physical crazy fights, yelling, name calling, put downs and the emotional cruelty, it was Really hard. They'd be loving on the sober days. It was like they were taken from me when they were drunk, and I'd miss them. I remember that sad and scary feeling. And for them to treat me so bad when drunk was So hurtful and scary! Then there was shame, from not wanting my friends or anyone to see them that way. Then to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I was making trouble whenever I tried to mention something about it. Also, to remember things in their drunk minds, the next day or so, thinking that I was the one that started trouble with them, when I know the truth, and having to suffer the consiquence of whatever they percieved. The alcohol deteriorated them til the end. My mom is still alive, and continues to drink, her mind ruined from alcohol. Life feels completely hopeless to her, she gave up on seeing doctors. She doesn't feel like living. She refuses to meet people or to be a part of life. She's Very bitter and mean now, in her old age. The struggles now, with myself, because of that kind of upbringing is really hard. It doesn't feel right if something doesn't go wrong. It's like having war with my mind, can't seem to concentrate on what's right, and the people in my life suffer also. I don't have very good parental skills. The cycle continued. There's a lot of disfunctional behaviors coming from my family. I can't be happy. I have a hard time believing anyone can like or love me. I feel like the lonliest person in the world. The only time I really feel like a whole person is when I have a drink. I am also an alcoholic, but haven't had a drink since April 29th, 2002. I have these devistating spills every once in a while, but the last time was different compared to any other time. It was like everything happened with my eyes open this time. And the next day I felt lower than low, completely hopeless. It was the lonliest feeling. I also saw the hurt in my husbands eyes again, but differently. WHY. I'm an alcoholic. I finally can feel it. Not just say it. I don't want to die like this. I don't want to end up like my parents. Great people that threw their lives away with alcohol. I don't want to be a bitter, sad and lonely person. They let the alcohol have them. I'm not going to let it have me. The thought of dying without ever finding true happiness is scary. This is my life now and the minutes are ticking away.