It was just the bloody same old crap! Unmanagability came straight back- anxiety and the absaloute despair where beyond belief- i forgot juts how low alcohol makes me feel the next day. I know alcoholics have a physical allegy in that it sets up a craving beyond our control and thats what happened to me. Iwas talking to me parents too though- both in AA and sober decades (thanks to A.A.) - both also talked about that feeling the next day - Hell, in a word. Alcohol doesnt just have an averse reaction when i drink- its the next day too- even if nothing 'bad' happned the night before I still experience those hellish feelings of total despair and terror the vast majority of the time. It was good to hear that from them because i could totally identify with them - i dunno i guess it just re-inforced the fact i cannot drink no matter what.
I regret drinking, i did a lot of work on myself with the steps of AA in those four months but its certainly made me re-asses things in my life at least. I can see the total insanity of the mental obsession in me now- it took me back out for a drink, so i have no qualms of the mental illness part of this disease.It was my thinking that made me pick up that lethal first drink.
I've been going to meetings and sharing and mixing with people and doing things i didnt do before yesterday and today- im now two days sober. I know if i dont put my all in this time i will drink. It means going against myself a lot- but i have to give AA my all because i dont want to feel how drinking makes me feel again- not for today thanks.
If there is anyone out there who is considering drinking, whose head is going for a wonder as mine did i hope reading this helps. If your an alcoholic it wont work - and my experience shows it doesnt. Let my mistake be an example. I wanted to be a 'normal student' and drink and 'have a laugh' - despite knowing what drink does to me. I went against suggestions and i took that first drink and it was a disaster and im just so grateful i am back to AA- i made it back! For that i am so graetful - because i was in a blackout for a lot of both the fri and sat night i drank. Anything could of happened to me. I have a real healthy fear now of what drink can lead to - i dunno i am still a bit gutted but all i can do is put 100% into recovery this time- to make that relapse a lesson rather than a regret. It's great to be back guys!
