[shutterbug]

I'm sorry to burden any of you with asking you to be here for me when I obviously haven't been able to be here for any of you lately....but i'm so lonely and hurting....and scared.

I have no one in my 3D life, other than my mom. But, even she's been slowly pulling out of my life....even when i need someone to just talk with. She usually can't even pay attention long enough for me to finish 1/2 a sentence.

Everyone in my 3D life agrees that this 20th ECT treatment i had Friday....didn't seem to do me much good at all.

I have no sick, vacation or medical leave left of any kind.
Every day is a struggle.
I feel that most my co-workers would rather I quit...the rest don't care.

I come home to no one....every day.
I have no energy like i use to...to even put my free time to good use.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this....feeling like some bothersome peice of crap that my world just walks around if I end up in their paths.

I fear i'm at the point....where i may have no choice other than to quit both my jobs, try to get on disability, and just sleep my way through this nightmare until it's over. But then....it wins.

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specifically today i've been thinking of:
1. how on my annual evaluation....my boss gave me a 2 out of possible 4 on the question about me strong work ethics and good time management. (when those are the only 2 things I tend to let myself feel good about a job well done on occasion).

2. I was in the hospital for 30 FREAKING DAYS AND WAS IN THE OR OVER A DOZEN TIMES WHERE I HAD MY BRAIN SHOCKED AND WAS UNDER ANESTISIA (ON FULL LIFE SUPPORT DURING EACH TIME UNDER).....AND YET MY PUBLISHER DIDN'T EVEN TAKE 2 SECONDS LAST MONTH TO WELCOME BE BACK DURING OUR MONTHLY LUNCHEON!

3. When 2 different people, at 2 totally different times from each other, found out who was filling in for me while i was gone Friday......the response of each was literally, "Yippee!" And then both, tried to cover their over-excitement up a little by telling me they just hadn't seen her in a long time.

4. and then of course....coming home to an empty, untidy home...where no one calls or comes by and i have to nearly beg my sister to drive to after my monthly treatments.

5. Oh.....and i nearly forgot.....all the people constatly starring at me. I'm sure they must have some normal reason for people all over the city, all times of the day and week, to constantly look back at me over and over again....getting the attention of others to look with them and giggling. I know it can't always be about me....and that i don't have some troll - like growth on me or anything........but what??????

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Major depression feels like having the plague.