Another thing - many have pointed out that I shouldn't worry about whether AH is using because it won't help me. I see what you're saying, but I guess for 21 years off and on he's lied to me. I've not listened to my gut and have just let it go. For me, my search to understand and know what to looks for helps me, at least for right now to understand that I am NOT crazy, that I wasn't losing my mind. KWIM? He's flat out lied and denied so much for so long and tells me I'm imagining things etc. It's almost like this knowledge gives me the confidence to trust my gut instead of listening to his words.
Also, I have 7 year old twins. When we're not together I need to KNOW and SEE that he's not using before I would ever let him take them anywhere. There are times in the past that he seems ok, acts ok, but yet something is still off. This thread has helped me so much to know exactly WHAT to look for instead of just living and accepting that something's off. So it DOES help me to know, to have that knowledge. For myself and for the safety of my kids. AH loves his kids more than life itsself and would never do anything intentionally. BUT there are many times where he swears he's fine, looks fine, but yet something's off. It is then that he's slightly went off of our lane into our yard or pulled into the garage too far.
So thanks again for all of the input here - so helpful to me.