[Sugah]

My husband and I have anniversary dates within a month of each other (his is a month before mine), same year. I was finished with my formal step work in 9-10 months. We started to date when we were both around a year & a half sober, and I met his sponsor - a guy who seemed very grounded in the BB and the steps, so I assumed my husband was on a similar step schedule as me - but I was wrong. He'd written his fourth step, but he "hadn't gotten around" to doing his 5th step. I didn't know this until after a whirlwind courtship that resulted in a marriage proposal in a very short period of time (Not something that I'd suggest to anyone - though it's worked for us. We celebrate our third anniversary next month). When I did find out that he hadn't done his 5th step, I never said, "You must do this." I shared with him the freedom I felt after completing 5-7 & getting on with the amends process. He had some of the same sort of issues that you're describing - and honestly, if he hadn't decided on his own to do something about it (like, duh, finishing those steps), I probably would have called off the wedding.

As many benefits as there are being in a relationship with someone who understands and speaks the same language, I think there are some potential pitfalls, too. One of them is meddling too much in the other's program. It's convenient to fall into a sort of sponsorship relationship, but I'm not his sponsor & he's not mine. There's a reason same-sex sponsorship is suggested - and not just to avoid romantic entanglements! Sometimes, it preserves them!!!

I think it's appropriate to share with him how much the steps helped you in similar difficulties, and I think it's appropriate to set boundaries regarding certain behaviors. I don't think it's appropriate to advise him in such a way that it sounds (to him) that you're trying to sponsor him. If he wants to be miserable with this, that's his choice. Doesn't give him the right to make you miserable. I think there's a fine line between sharing E, S & H with any alcoholic and coming across as dictating to him the way he should work his program.

I don't envy your position (knowing what it feels like), but I will say a prayer that it works out!

Peace & Love,
Sugah