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miss communicat · 05-18-2008, 05:49 PM

hi friends

Not so sure where exactly to post this; I have been straddling the fence between this forum and the friends + family of alcoholics, and decided to run it by y'all. I need your thoughts on this one.

I have a boyfriend, he is sober with 4+ years. I'd say he's got a strong, spiritual program, most days.

So, here's the deal: He is balking at the 4th step and is avoiding it. Has been for a year anyway. We've been to a 4th Step meeting together that met 4 weeks consecutively, and he talks like he wants to do it but then he doesn't.

I typically mind my own business, but .......now its in my sphere.

There has been a long-term family situation that STILL causes him deep distress and anger (ie: "excess baggage" in my book). Anger especially.
his mood just sizzles these days with this unresolved issue (even though outwardly he is respectful and very kind to me) and its starting to stress me out. Its scary actually because I feel like I'm with a building volcano.

Last evening, on the phone, he was so disturbed that he was vulgar and aggressive when talking about this other family member. Then, he wanted to come over for a visit to which I said "NO WAY". I have really no desire to ruin my mood, or babysit or coddle an adult who refuses to do his work.

I told him to "go deal with himself, and in fact, to resolve this issue" before he comes back to me.

What I feel like saying is to just do your darn 4th and 5th steps already, and that his life will be much smoother.

But I am not the guy's sponsor, he has one and they talk daily.
I'm not his therapist, I do that all day for work.

He was apparently devastated by my saying NO to him, and my telling him to deal with his family problem before being with me (emotionally drunk). He expected that I'd be a good AA buddy and comiserate with him.

So: Is it wrong to tell another AAer that its time to do their 4th step? Is it wrong to turn another AAer away because of his agitated emotional state in order to preserve your own serenity, even if he says he might drink?

I feel like putting the relationship on hold. I'm confused.

Any thoughts as to how to be both good to myself, and a supportive friend to someone in AA who is struggling with a chronic emotional problem?

detachment?
big book thumping?

05-18-2008, 05:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
miss communicat Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: in the present moment Posts: 2,061	AA relationship question hi friends Not so sure where exactly to post this; I have been straddling the fence between this forum and the friends + family of alcoholics, and decided to run it by y'all. I need your thoughts on this one. I have a boyfriend, he is sober with 4+ years. I'd say he's got a strong, spiritual program, most days. So, here's the deal: He is balking at the 4th step and is avoiding it. Has been for a year anyway. We've been to a 4th Step meeting together that met 4 weeks consecutively, and he talks like he wants to do it but then he doesn't. I typically mind my own business, but .......now its in my sphere. There has been a long-term family situation that STILL causes him deep distress and anger (ie: "excess baggage" in my book). Anger especially. his mood just sizzles these days with this unresolved issue (even though outwardly he is respectful and very kind to me) and its starting to stress me out. Its scary actually because I feel like I'm with a building volcano. Last evening, on the phone, he was so disturbed that he was vulgar and aggressive when talking about this other family member. Then, he wanted to come over for a visit to which I said "NO WAY". I have really no desire to ruin my mood, or babysit or coddle an adult who refuses to do his work. I told him to "go deal with himself, and in fact, to resolve this issue" before he comes back to me. What I feel like saying is to just do your darn 4th and 5th steps already, and that his life will be much smoother. But I am not the guy's sponsor, he has one and they talk daily. I'm not his therapist, I do that all day for work. He was apparently devastated by my saying NO to him, and my telling him to deal with his family problem before being with me (emotionally drunk). He expected that I'd be a good AA buddy and comiserate with him. So: Is it wrong to tell another AAer that its time to do their 4th step? Is it wrong to turn another AAer away because of his agitated emotional state in order to preserve your own serenity, even if he says he might drink? I feel like putting the relationship on hold. I'm confused. Any thoughts as to how to be both good to myself, and a supportive friend to someone in AA who is struggling with a chronic emotional problem? detachment? big book thumping? __________________ i close my eyes and see clearly i stop trying to listen and hear truth i am silent and my heart sings i seek no contact and find union i am still and move forward i am gentle and need no strength i am humble and remain whole (ancient taoist meditation)