[jazpoppy]

Hello;

I am Jaz, an addict who also has severe chronic pain. I have been in recovery for about 5 years now. I had some pain before I became an addict, but the reason for my becoming an addict is not the same pain I suffer from now. I had headaches and my local ER prescribed me Vicodin, then I got Oxycodone from a "friend" (not a friend of mine anymore), then he stepped me up to MS Contin (he was trying to get me addicted, I was 25 yrs old and very naive), then he stepped me up to Oxycontin 10mg, then 20mg, then 40mg and finally he was selling me 40's and 80's. I kept having migraines after the initial prescription for vicodin ran out (I was NOT opiate tolerant at this time). Another friend of mine (not anymore) introduced me to this "dealer", as he always had pain meds due to his chronic pain, but liked to sell them to stupid naive people like me so that he could buy himself cocaine, his drug of choice! I would buy about 10 of the 10mg oxycontins or 10 of the 15mg MS contins for $10 a piece (I had sold my house so I had money at the time), and before I even ran out, he'd call me and ask if I needed more, and even before I was truly addicted, I would say no, and he would tell me that I would not be able to get anymore for a while, so I'd buy more. Well it was helping my headaches, but getting me very high and I loved it at the time. What stopped me??? My mother found out that he was calling me (she answered my phone and he thought she was me!!!) As we sound alike on the phone. She called the local Police where he lived, granted they never showed up, she called the wrong town PD, and they didn't seem to care too much, it scared him enough to stop selling to me! I was furious with my mother! But I didn't realize that I was going to get dope sick, I didn't realize that I was addicted now! It had been 6 months of daily use by now! I had to check into rehab (10 day detox, then outpatient rehab, I got kicked out after 2 weeks into Outpatient becuase I overdosed on Morphine I obtained from the same person, he started selling to me again!!!). I ended up back in rehab another 6 months or so later, and this time it stuck! I went to meetings daily, and took REAL migraine medication (Zomig and Maxalt) non addictive.
I was sober for quite some time (about 2 years) and my body started to give out (I'm only 31 now) due to herniated disks in my lower back, and 2 more herniated disks in my cervical spine, spinal stenosis, facet joint disease, degerative disk disease, dislocated hip issues due to arthritis in my hip joint, I broke my knee cap and right ankle from a falling accident (now I have chronic knee pain becuase I broken cartiledge that won't heal), I developed achille's tendonitis from over-exercising (I was also an exercise addict and had eating disorders from age 15 to 27), so the over exurtion and demands I placed on my body helped the arthritis develope much sooner than it would have if I didn't over exercise and not listen to my doctors about slowing down. Now I have Fibromyalsia (from being a trauma survior, and always stressed out), had Mono as a teenager that turned into Chronic Fatigue Syndrom, severe pain in my lower to upper back, sciatica down my left leg (which now has nerve damage showing), carpel tunnel syndrom of both wrists from being a computer technician for 11 years, chronic achille's tedonitis, and there isn't a lot the doctors can do to "fix" me. I started out REFUSING narcotics not even codeine, I opted to try just Motrin 800, then moved up to Naproxen 500, then to Vioxx (made my blood pressure very high), then Prednisone packs (twice) which causes me to have a psycotic type episode where I go out of my mind for almost 3 months following the treatment and have to be medicated with tranquilizers in order to sleep and "come down" its almost like taking speed! I have had over 15 steriod shots in various parts of my back, they relief was very temporary (maybe 2 weeks at the most) and it caused a milder but still bothersome mental breakdown (psycosis like). One of the doctors made a "boo boo" when he was trying to insert the needle in my epidural space and I jumped because they didn't use enough local anestetic, and it messed up the whole procedure causing my now severe sciatica that I didn't have before! ARGH! I switched doctors and had someone else do the trigger point injections, and the cervical epidural shots, none of which provided much more than 2 weeks relief and had side effects that I won't go back and deal with again, plus they said I was at my limit of safe steriod use anyways. I tried Celebrex, it caused my throat to close up and I broke out in hives (I was told it didn't have sulfa in it, but it was compounded with Sulfa), so I threatened to sue that Orthopaedic because I had to get a shot of benedryl or somethign at the ER to make the reaction go away. He offered me Vicoprophen (Vicodin and Ibuprophine) telling me its the best way I can get pain relief since I've tried so many other alternatives (including just aspirin, tylenol mixed with ibuprophen, tens units, hot baths, massage, 6 months of painful physical therapy where I actually got worse instead of better) and I lost my job due to not being able to lift, bend, crawl, climb (I was a computer technician for a college). I took the vicoprophen and told him that I had substance abuse issues (they were also in my chart) he said I would be fine as long as I give the pills to my mother (I lived near her). That worked for a while (about a year), then I got sick of taking them, they didn't work anymore, and he refused to give me anymore after a year, he just left me hanging and the stupid withdrawals came back. I quickly got myself to a pain specialist (not the one I'm with now), he medicated me with MS Contin (my mom held those too) and Vicoden HP (325mg tylenol/10mg hydrocodone), then that dr. got ill and closed his practice. I went to my primary care, who luckily took over prescribing the same medication. She would not see me though, she up'd my dose twice, I was on 30mg a day, and I ended up on 90mg a day, then she stopped prescribing to me and released me from the practice saying that the DEA did not approve of her prescibing narcotics for pain mgt. I was out in the cold again. I scrambled and found a temporary doctor 1 hour away that prescribed me fentanyl patches, I was very allergic to them, he said I had too much risk in my history of substance abuse to be prescribed oral medications even though I passed all of my urine screens with the other doctors, and never missed a pill count. He didn't care. I had burns where the patches were placed. I had to take them off and suffer. He urine tested me and found codeine in my urine and no fentanyl (i had to take it off due to the terrible burning) and I was on Codeine cough syrup for bronchitis, I had called his nurse and told her, but he didn't get the message, and kicked me off cold turkey! I decided to let myself suffer, I figured I didn't at all deserve to feel normal. So I took Motrin 800, lived with heating pads on my back, smelled like a bengay factory, and suffered. That's actually when I lost my job, right after my pain management stopped and I had to manage myself with alternatives. I even did massage. I was out of work, no insurance, no more massages, no more therapy. I wanted to die. I did try to commit suicide once, by overdosing on a friends sleeping pills. I was revived in the ER, and when I told the ER doctor why I wanted to die, he prescribed me enough percoset, muscle relaxors to get me through until I could get into a Methadone Clinic, I figured that's what I deserved, and maybe it would help, I had tried Suboxone in the past and it didn't work for pain (not expected to) but helped cravings, but I found that I wasn't craving to get high anymore, I was craving PAIN RELIEF, its so similiar to drug seeking, most doctors can't tell the difference, especially if you used to be an addict (I actually never used doctors to get high when I was using, I would go without then embarrass myself at an emergency room, I'm not a good faker). Well, I had NO insurance, could not get into a pain clinic, so I went to a methadone clinic, they started me out at 30mg, which seemed fine to me, but they kept on upping my dose, even when I said no, they still upped it, they said I looked sick, or that I needed to be on the average dose of 200mg for a normal herion user (i told them I don't use herion). Well it did help my pain quite a bit so I stayed for 6 months or more, then I found a pain mgt doctor who is also a primary care doctor, and she has a sliding scale for people without insurance. She was VERY NICE TO ME! She knows all about my abusive past, I told her I was at a Methadone clinic and was on 200mg and she said that was AWFUL of them to have me up so high! She had them bring me down under 100mg (it took me about 3 months, I went fast cuz I wanted out of there)! She started me at 30mg when I was down to about 50mg at the clinic, I was OK for a few weeks, but then it just didn't help so much, so she slowly brought me up to 70mg over the next few months. I am happy with her and her treatment. I will be getting insurance soon and will be able to try alternative pain relief methods, and if they work, I may be able to lower my methadone dose, or try something less potent. For now, I still struggle and may have to be brought up to 80 or 90mg which worked best for my pain when I was at the clinic. She is very thorough with urine testing, pill counts, all is random and frequent. I have to fill my prescriptions twice a month instead of once, and I can only use 1 pharmacy, and NEVER accept any narcotics from another doctor (like at the ER, or from a specialist). I have my boyfriend hold my prescription and he gives me exactly what is prescribed or less if I feel good that particular day. So that is my story. Please feel free to comment, contructive critisism welcomed whether positive or negative. I am open to suggestions. Thanks.

Love

Jaz