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Ditched work today and went to 2 meetings. Brought up RID at both. Amazing...guess what, other people, right where I am. First one was a gal at 6 weeks sober. Next meeting was a gal who was 7 months sober and a guy who was 2 years sober.
So thankful that I can listen and learn. My brain wanted to pull ego-rank. Not listen to what others had to say. Not bring up the topic. Not admit to my thoughts, my feelings. My brain and I are still arguing over whether we are going to turn this crap over or continue to suffer. So stupid. Why I fight, I don't know.
You know, I have so much good in my life...why I would consider throwing it away is beyond me. Yet my brain keeps trying to convince me otherwise. The sick part is, I'm allowing it. I feel this resistance to handing it over yet. Like, I'm not done suffering, please, lets see how close I can come to relapsing, lets see how much pain I can drudge up before I decide to surrender. It sounds retarded, it is retarded...but that's the way my brain is working now.
Do I feel like I am going to pick up today? No. Do I want to? Yes, but mostly no. Am I willing to go to any lengths to stay sober today....haven't decided, probably will. That darned meeting with the idiot, self-sabotage.
Keeps coming up with attitude of gratitude too. Do I have an attitude of gratitude? Somewhat. I am grateful for many things. I guess right now, I just don't feel like I deserve it. Bingo. I just don't feel like I deserve it. Hmmm, now I have something to work with...time for prayer.
Jen
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