| Cunning, baffling, powerful...and patient!
Thursday was a challenging day for me. I suppose despite everything, I still suffer with my spiritual malady at times. I am/was suffering from the desire to do some type of addict behavior.
After examining my life and life circumstances, that brings me to: isolation, not talking or telling anyone about my feelings (stuffing), which of course brings on the lovely "terminal uniqueness", my favorite, which brings on the "poor me, pour me...", which leads to the unbelievably uncomfortable RID (restless irritable and discontent).
Took Friday off and hit an AA meeting. Doing better overall, but it shouldn't suprise me, though it does, how amazingly quickly that sets itself in motion... Just one. Just one. Just one drink, just one smoke, just one drug, just one.... Yea, just one screwed up, messed up human being.... No thank you. Not today.
Thankfully, I'm trying hard to do what I've learned I'm suppose to do when I feel this way. Call people in AA. Call my like-minded people. Amazingly, I got a hold of another woman who was going through the same mental stupidity as I. We helped each other. The funny thing was; she was just getting ready to give me a call when I called her. Coincidence, hardly! God at work, definitely!!!
Anyway, the thoughts mingled in my mind yet again today. No where as horribly strong as Thursday or Friday...but strong none the less.... Forgot that I have an AA lead in my car, which I popped in Friday. Bet you can't believe what it's about...yep, Spiritual Malady!!! Duh, my HP so looks out for me!!! I have another one for back up when I finish that.
Seventeen years sober, just about went down the toilet...just for one stupid moment of instant gratification....though I know that I know it wouldn't have been gratification....it would've been tormented and twisted hell... Just like it was before. Though that person I use to be seems so long gone, like a lifetime ago....it's all waiting just around the next corner. All I have to do is set the deadly cycle in motion by picking up that first one.... This danged disease is so cunning, baffling, powerful, and ever so patient. Just waiting for me to get too complacent, too relaxed...always searching for that "perfect moment" when I don't even reealize what the heck is happening.
One day at a time, that's the blessing I have today. Those seventeen years don't mean squat if I don't pay attention to just for today. Again, at that point in the Big Book where "there'll come a time when we are competely defenseless against that first drink".
Gratefully still sober, still smoke free, and still drug free...just for today!
Blessings all and God bless,
Jen
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