[kj0975]

My dad died on 4/15/2008. I had to be the one to give the order to take him off life support. Its something I have never imagined that my dads life could be in my hands. He had been under tremendous stress already suffering from high blood pressure took his med ran to relax and played golf his one true love.

I get a call my dad had collapsed. The one call I NEVER wanted to get. Rushed to the hospital, then had him RUSHED to a better hospital who could treat him better the BEST hospital around. Then it was too later he went too long without oxygen so yes he was alive but brain dead. How? My dad was so strong you know every daughter thinks of her dad as superman.

I went several years without talking to my dad cause he was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking and was clean for 17yrs I admired him for that. I admired my "superman" he had strength and determination. In all my years I dont recall my dad ever saying "I love you", he believed you dont have to say it you showed it.

It took me many years to let go of the resentment and lost years due to his drinking, I finally did and I got my dad back. We went to dinner on fridays, not a man of many words, but was always there with advice, cool, calm, and made you see thing from a different way. If I had a question I called dad he always had an anwswer. He fought in vietnam I couldnt be more proud he was drafted into a war to be honest I dont think he believed in. For his country he did. Infact they called my dad the "Duke" soft spoken, cool, calm, and assured his unit it would be ok. I got letters after he passed from the chief of the army who was his commander telling me about my dad. There was another side of him one I never knew. He never talked about the war except during a lightning storm. He would say this is what it looked like during the war at night just light shooting through the sky.

He worked hard, was admired by many and a good man. After the funeral a little girl about 3-4yrs old showed me the binoculars my dad went and bought her. She was affraid of birds and my dad bought her a book on birds and showed her they were good. She said "because of your dad I'm not affraid of birds anymore. He didnt know this child yet he wanted her to know the good in things she feared.

I just got my DAD back to me the man I always put on a pedastal I am the age where you finally appreciate your parents and realize they only want the best no matter the cost or the hard lesson that had to be learned. He let you learn them mostly the hard way. He knew sometimes that was the best way to learn.

When does the pain get easier? Yes I got memories, good and bad but memories of my own personal "superman. No matter how many times I let him down he still loved me in his own way. A dads loving way.

He went into cardia arrest. Maybe if he wasnt under so much stress he would have paid more attention to the signs, but he didnt. The day this happened he ran 8 miles and played 18 holes of golf. He was getting ready to meet his idols working at the PGA this year. I never got to say goodbye, or thanks dad, or "I love you".

I have regrets, a pain that is unfathomable. I never got to mourn his loss. He passed on tues funeral plans on weds, meeting with lawyer on thurs, showing friday, funeral saturday. Work Monday. Its heartwrenching.

My dad my superman is gone. Now what? I miss him, I love him, I grieve him. My dad was the greatest, as I'm sure we all think that of our dads. Who else puts you on their shoulders and carries you for miles and never complains?

Sorry this is so long. Feels good to just get it out. Does the pain get easier, can I ever listen to a song agian without thinking of him? This sucks. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Good bye dad, your gone but not forgotten. Goodbye superman!!! My hero.