| My first AA mtg, I was very drunk. I just wasn't able to get up the nerve to go without being drunk. And then I cried uncontrollably through the whole thing, just trying to keep from sobbing out loud and disturbing everyone as they talked. I know many of them talked directly to me, but I couldn't process much of it. One lady sitting beside me spent a lot of time with me, after the mtg. She was the reason I came back.
And then this past Friday, I was at this same mtg, sober for 3 months. And there I was all over again: I looked different - different hair and clothes - but it was me alright. Even in the same chair by the door. And I stunk of alcohol. And I cried through the whole mtg. I was shaking and trying hard to stay in the chair. Trying to understand what everyone was saying. But it was all I could do just to stay in the room, to admit that I was an alcoholic, that I couldn't stop, that my life had become completely unmanageable.
I am so, so grateful I am not in that place anymore. I don't feel like it is from any effort of mine. I feel like it was just God who took me by the hand and led me out of that misery. And one thing I think I've learned just this Friday in that mtg, is that I'm never really free from being that person who is consumed by alcoholism. When I looked over and saw her and when I reached for her and hugged her and tried to give her strength and courage, we were one and the same. Some part of me will always be that shaking, crying, drunk woman in that meeeting.
My sponsor tells me it gets easier. And I'm so grateful for that. I look forward to any kind of ease I can get. But I never want to forget that woman in the AA room that first time. Whether it's me or another. Somehow it's all the same. I don't know why. Maybe it will make more sense as time passes.
- MLE |