OK, today was a big success, since I had the day off. Alone. All day. That almost full bottle of wine in the 'fridge.
It's still there
I was not craving a drink, mind you, but for so long, it had become my HABIT to use every oppourtunity to drink...Instead, I am choosing to create NEW habits. Actually, it is more like just getting back to how I USED to be, before I started drinking to excess.
I did some housework, went out and ran a few errands, watched a movie. (and I REALLY have gotten used to drinking during THAT activity...again, no actual desire to drink, just that niggling force of habit, which I ignored)
I understand that many (maybe even most or all) here are highly dubious of anything short of total abstinence and meetings/support groups, and I respect that....whatever works for anyone is what they should do, I think.
What has been working for me thus far is this...really, I am in the process of reprograming my thinking and behavior, as well as moderating my consumption. When I have the passing thought/impulse to drink (more than I am allowing myself or at times other than my "appointed" time) I choose to say NO. I remind myself how good I am feeling (for a change!) mentally and physically. I CHOOSE to continue feeling that way. Before, I was never really ready to quit abusing, not for longer than it took for the last killer hangover or shame at my behavior took to wear off. At such times, I kidded myself I was, but I always chose to go back to it (and it WAS a conscious choice, speaking for only myself...not some overpowering urge, but a decision, every single time. Of course, after enough drinks, it DID assume the form of an almost uncontrollable compulsion...being drunk is not the best thing for ones judgment or self-control, is it? But BEFORE I started to drink, I mean)
I also remind myself that my recent (and long-term) behavior is NOT "me"..that I had a long history of NOT drinking and very moderate use prior to that. I remind myself that I don't HAVE to be that way around alcohol.
I CHOSE to because it felt good and helped (I thought) me deal with some serious stress in my life. Of course, I built up a serious dependency, physically and mentally, over the years of habitual excess, which I am now dealing with.
Again, I fully respect everyone's truth, and that what works for one may not work for another. For me, I do not think the idea that I am powerless over this habit/addiction will work (that was an "excuse" (in quotes because that is how I used it) I used too often to justify my excess...it gave me an out, a rationalization to relieve my guilt over my actions)
Instead, I am taking responsibility for my actions (for a change) and admitting to myself that I CAN choose not to be an abuser anymore. I have too much to live for to allow that.
I can already feel myself coming back into focus, getting back in touch with the deep inner strength I have been drowning in alcohol for so long.
I so appreciate this site and the support and experience here. I promise not to disappear (well, God willing, of course) and to be honest with you all. (if this fails miserably, I will admit it. If not, I will share whatever I find along the way)
It helps a lot to "talk" here. Thanks.