[Honu]

Hello to everyone. I'm new here at SR. I'm grateful that this online community is available!

Just a bit about me, and my "love" of alcohol:

I grew up in the South, parents were "teetottlers", father was a WWII dad (non-emotional and unavailable), yet worked 3 jobs to provide for his family. Mom was co-dependent, and did her best to make up for the unavailablity of Dad. When I was 14, I was a snoop, and found an anonymous letter sent to Mom in the mail, that Dad had another woman. My mother knew I read the letter, yet, nothing ever changed, nothing was ever said to me, it was as if nothing had happened. They stayed married until their deaths. I never saw them argue, disagree, nothing but the Cleavers...always happy. My father's 2 brother's were alcoholics, as well as his father (who died when he was 11 from falling off of a truck coming home from a "***** tonk", died 2 days later of internal injuries), and my mother had 2 alcoholic brothers.

I learned that 1) people don't fight, and to avoid confrontation if it ever came up, 2) if I was IN a confrontation, it meant that something was wrong with me, 3) if I ever needed Dad's attention/approval, I had to WORK for it, fostering intense codependency.

My uncles would come over drunk, laughing and having a good time. My Dad was always so serious, so intense, I really liked my uncles. They were FUN. I decided that nothing was wrong with drinking then, I'd rather be happy and laughing, than live like my mother was with my stern father.

My first experience drinking was at my friend's house (her parents drank, mine didn't), and it was at the same age as the "letter". We mixed her parent's Tom Collins, then, moved onto orange juice with vodka, then, ran out of that, and mixed TANG, (without water!), until I passed out, then got sick, and my dad came to get me. Nothing was ever said to me. Maybe they thought I'd learned my lesson. All I knew, was that I liked it. Even considering getting sick.

Fast forward to high school/college, I only wanted to have fun. Party. I had no desire to get a degree, have a career, nothing. I went to college because I had heard that you didn't even have to attend classes. So, I didn't. I remember waking up on the campus grounds several times, never made it back to the dorm. Also, I never declared a major, just didn't know what I wanted to do. I was raised to believe that I would simply marry, have kids, and be like my mom. I even went to Charm School in the 10th grade!!!

As my friends became "mature", started getting married, I thought to myself, "not me!" I didn't trust any man. I didn't date much at all. I went to parties, drank and just had a good time. I had to find new friends, and each time, they "matured" and I didn't, and I had to find new ones again.

Eventually, I landed a job that was a gold mine for partying. I've been in that job for 25 years. It's the only thing I've stayed with! (Except, of course for drinking). When I ran out of friends (who couldn't or wouldn't keep up with me, I'd move.) I've lived in 16 places, and to different states 8 times, just since 1983!

As I have gotten older, and more "mature" at drinking, it has become more isolating. I have made the "mature" decisions, to only drink at home, never drive after one drink, I stay off the phone and internet, and keep to myself. It isn't fun to drink with people anymore, because they simply can't or don't keep up. I never want to stop. So, alone, I can consume more in a shorter time, not **** anyone off, and no one ever knows. Right? No one gets hurt, Right? How's that for maturity??

Through the years, I have lost my mother at age 30, my father at age 37, (both from brain tumors), and my dog 2 years after my father, also a brain tumor. God hated me. So, my friend was my wine bottle. I calculated how much I could drink each day for the rest of my life with the little I got after he died. I figured I'd die first, and have enough money left for the wooden box for myself.

I was so alone, and depressed, I checked myself into a rehab in 1999. I decided to do what they said for one year, and give it 100%, and if it didn't work, I'd have permission to die. As soon as I got there, I'd found my new addiction. PEOPLE. So many hurting people there, I could fix them all. I couldn't fix my parents from their cancer, but, surely, I could make restitution with God if I could fix these addicts/alcoholics. I was in heaven. Didn't even want a drink.

I got hooked up with this guy, also in treatment, he liked pain killers. But, I thought he was there to get better, like I was, but found out that he was forced there, legally. It didn't matter. We were happy. Blissful. Everyone said it was a mistake, but they just didn't understand. We loved each other. (Ever heard that before??) He relapsed 3-4 times, lost 3 jobs, and finally, I had had enough, and left him 1 1/2 years ago.

I attended AA with him, (open meetings), as well as Al Anon, and was determined to fix him. I started drinking when he'd go out of town, and then dispose of the evidence before he got home. He never knew. I was just stressed. Living with an addict is very difficult, and I just needed a little glass of wine. (Which, means, to me, a BIG bottle). When I'd go out of town, I'd do the same thing. Get trashed in my hotel room, alone. Safe.

Since being away from him, I have gotten trashed every single night for over a year. I even started adding vodka with diet tonics to cut calories. What kind of rationalization, 'trying to control' is that? The end result is always the same. Also, after moving here 1 1/2 years ago, the "letter" re-surfaced in the bottom of a cedar chest, complete, still in the 3 cent postage envelope. So, my "denial" hit me in the face, really hard. Truths about my life started to re-surface at warp speed. I couldn't slow it down, couldn't handle the truth, and drank even more.

I have missed out on life, I have let alcohol, and my desire to "have fun" dictate my life for too many years. All I know now, is that I am now 48 years old, never got married, no children, no family, and my "wine bottle friend" isn't a friend at all. It has cost me my life.

I have told my ex about all of this, and he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm trying to play on his sympathies to get him back. It's not about him. I've told my friends, and they minimize it, saying, "well, if I'd been through what you've been through, I'd drink too." My shrink said, "just try to cut back". That shrink is no longer my shrink, BTW.

The only ones who know and believe it is my dog, and me, and my wallet. The money I've spent is mind-boggling. I am just tired of it all.

I decided to stop on my own, first. I can't afford to go to treatment, and to be honest, I need to do it for ME, by myself. I got myself into this. I had a plan in case things went badly, but, by the Grace of God, I'm OK, and today is my 5th day. That's a miracle in itself! I don't ever want to go back.

I've made a list to read each day of why I need to stop, and beside it, a reason to continue. My stop list it 2 pages long, and I have two items on the "continue drinking" list: 1) Immediately feel "good", and 2) Death.

Last night when I went to bed, I laid there thinking of all of the things I'm grateful for. As I laid there, I realized that I had never seen my bedroom from the perspective of being in the bed before. It's kind of pretty. I've always ended up there face first in the pillow. I like looking at things from a new perspective. It made me cry.

I know the program of AA and Al Anon forwards and backwards. I know it all. I've never put it into practice HONESTLY, though. I am going to do that now. I don't want to live my life in isolation, depression, I don't want to get "mushy brain", lose my health, lose my job, I am TIRED OF LOSING.

I am most likely past the 'halfway point' of my life. The rest is going to be better, even if it is alone. I am doing One Day At A Time, and I am going to continue to ask for Wisdom and Guidance from my HP.

I know from experience from seeing all of those people I have met through the programs, that life CAN be better.

The funny thing is, that I really didn't know, or think that I had a problem. I don't understand that. I guess being raised in a denial environment had more ramifications than I had thought.

So, glad to meet you all, and thanks for all of your posts--they helped so very much.

Honu