| Ya know, Skye, there is a lot to your "story" that doesn't add up.
Good family, living under bridges, addicted since the age of ten, an Oregon boy, writing from Massachusetts, married, a place to live, money to cop, a picture on your page that could be from the prom, complex sentences with few spelling errors, near death in the morning, but with the wherewithal to find this place, read various threads, and comment on them.
You are obviously capable of self direction and self delusion. What a cocktail that must be! You remind me of many of my 60's contemporaries. Like John Belushi. A flame that is white in intensity. No comprehending his genius nor his appetite for self destruction.
Skye, you are trying to conduct an orchestra in your head. At the age of 21. Most of us are struggling to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb," and you have Wagner's "Ring Cycle" playing out in your mind.
All this "sturm und drang" (storm and struggle) plays into the hands of mind altering substances, Skye. Give peace a chance. Give the psychs a chance as well as the meds. No one I am aware of got sober through complexity. Through brilliance. Those who "find it" do so through a process of simplification. Beginning with one note, then two, then three. You must be able to hear your heart beat through the music.
If you spend your time seeking someone to "understand" you may end up looking in vain, or only to find someone as lost as yourself. This is not something that you "think" yourself out of. The wisest people here seem to write the least. They have found the calm center. One note that they have mastered. This is not rocket science.
Search for complexity and you will surely find it. More than you can handle. Reductio ad absurdum has driven many a man mad. One note is all we have to find and master. I learned to shut up and listen at meetings. It quiets the mind. I hear the notes that others have mastered. The notes of people far wiser than I.
warren |