[hippyhippy]

thank you all,

I have been messing with my meds and am trying to get back on to the straight and narrow. I think I have been guilty of mental self harm for a long time, but the physical is fairly new for me. Actually, thats not true, cutting is fairly new. I have often done other stuff.
Live, I cannot begin to imagine how you must have felt, how you still must feel losing your son in such tragic circumstnaces. You will see in my other post my parents lost a son too, at 19. Not to suicide, but to a tragic accident. It beggars belief, the world doesn't make sense. My heart is truelly with you in this matter. (((((live))))

My bhuddist retreat....? I lost confidence to go. I want to, but am too scared to go.

What prevents me from seeing a doctor? I am seeing one next week, he will just say "give the meds time to work" because I haven't been taking them regularly. What stops me from self harming? I don't know as cutting is a new thing to me and I find it such a relief, but I feel so disgusted with myself after it.
Hospital? The hospital I could go to here is not a nice place. When I was in there last, I felt more suicidal than when I had gone in. It truelly was an awful experience.....like old fashioned mental asylums. Four to a ward, windows that didn't close and were stuffed with towels to keep the cold out, 2 sinks and one shower between about 20 patients (locked...you needed staff member to get shower), staff who hid away in staffroom and didn't communicate with patients except at meal times and medication times.

I have people I could talk to....but I don't want to. I just carry on pretending I am ok. I did however speak to art therapist this morning and that helped a bit. Coming on here helps too.

A lot of it is because there is a wedge between me and my husband just now so I can't reach out to him, or I won't. He doesn't want to hear about me being ill as he fears it is just me trying to get in the way of him having a solitary holiday....which it is not. If anything, I am trying hard to battle this thing so that he doesn't see how much I am struggling.


Hippy