[Live]

Oh, hippy, sweetheart, a world of hugs to you!

Look, you owe it to me to keep yourself safe until you send me that postcard! LOL

I have to laugh about it myself as I have been in the state of mind so much myself since October when I went inpatient for obsessive suicidal ideation that I have begged to be let go and allowed to rest...permanently.

My form of self injury is one thread I see we all have in common here and it is oh so effective...and that is messing with our meds. I keep doing it and throwing myself from one crisis state to another. Am in a serious one now. Straighten out one side, then screw around with the other....and set myself up for the next one.

Here is what I do know. My son did commit suicide when he was 20. All his survivors are harmed badly and scarred permanently. So. I owe it to my family not to damage them with what is to them such a tragedy, no matter what I think about it for my own self in my own head. I get mad and resentful about that responsibility at times.

So, I guess the two of us, if not 3? must admit we are high risk. And no one understands it if they have not experienced it. Only we who live with it discuss it openly and that, personally, is such a relief to me.

While I was in patient, me and another girl laughed ourselves silly joking about our suicides. But I can be relied upon that if the risk grows too great I will go to the ER.

So, they just adjusted my meds in October...mostly a great combo...and here I am all ready again falling off the wagon by not taking them properly....and putting myself at risk, which I get damned tired of. I spent all night last night up reading the step work in substance abuse, which I am guilty of because I keep quit taking meds I need, not taking them as prescribed, taking more of this, less of that. I found nothing but shining hope there. How inspiring!

I am reminded that I must distribute my meds back into the daily 4 x day reminder box and must do that with the whole months worth to ever get better and since I am stuck here with that responsibility to keep myself alive at the least, well it would be nice if I could like it. I used to tell myself that when all else failed I could run off and join the circus. And I do know that life changes. If I follow thro' with taking care of myself I can be happy and not understand how I really wanted to die. And those times are worth it, I do have more adventures ahead. I don't know why it is so easy to forget that. I should have learned better along time ago to stop messing with my meds, but it is really hard work for me to stay vigilant and that is what I was learning about with working the steps guide last night. I have to learn to put my wellness first, to make it a priority and work on it every day. It is when I feel well that I get in trouble, I forget to take the meds right. I forget that reminder box. I start scrimping so I can spend my money on things I am enjoying. Boom. Total relapse. Or I feel bad and I get used to it. And I wait until I am in real trouble to see Dr and say you know I really haven't been well and to admit how badly I neglect and damage myself.

I mean I am really stupid, I preach to the choir to my family all the time trying to get them to understand that my problems are chemical not will power that I have illnesses when I can't even remember it myself by taking care of myself chemically. Good grief it was only by reading your post that I was reminded to take the anti-d's which I just pulled myself out of the suicidal thinking with only to forget them again a few days after I quit wanting to kill myself.

So what can we do to help you? Are you commited or promised or contracted not to suicide? Will sleeping in the car keep you from self injuring? What prevents you from seeing a Dr or going to the hospital? Let's talk it out, k?

What about that Buddhist Retreat? Did you get to do that? What are your ways of coping, of keeping yourself safe, what has helped you in the past to stop or limit your self-injuring? Let's find a way for you to be safe first and foremost and to try to stop blatant destructiveness?

I can lose myself here in computer land. I can distract myself reading books like crazy when I am not too bad off. I can take a nap. Sounds to me like going to bed early beats harming your arms and legs and having to hide.

Do you have anyone you can talk to?