[nandm]

(((((((((Hippy)))))))))

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now.

Although I don't cut I do have similiar defense mechanisms. When I am faced with pain, emotional primarily, I find myself digging my fingernails into my arms. At my nephews funeral many years ago was the first time I realized I did this and I had dug them to the point of drawing blood and scarring. Under minor stress I will grip my hands until my fingers are numb and white. So not exact same thing but somewhat similar.

I too recently had a couple of months where I cycled rapidly and drastically but mostly the bottom was where I seemed to spend the majority of my time. It was frightening, discouraging, and frustrating. I began to wonder if there was any hope left and why I was continuing this fight. In retrospect now that I have gotten a few weeks past it I can see that giving up is something I am thankful I did not do as life once again is good and I am thankful that I did not give up hope.

My cycling was due to my brillant thinking that I could just reduce my antidepressant medication on my own. After one month my head went south. I am thankful that I finally realized what was going on and although it took a while for the meds to stabilize once again I am better today. I was quite surprised that I wound up cycling even though it was my antidepressant I changed not the mood stabilizer but I guess it goes to show that we walk a fine balance with our meds and changing one can affect how the others are working for us.

It might be worth talking to your doctor about what is going on. He may feel that an increase or med change is indicated. Sometimes our bodies can grow accustomed to the meds to the point that a change is the only way to get the body to respond correctly to them again especially after we have been on them a while. It would be worth giving a try.

Please don't give up. We are all here with you and you are welcome to vent your feelings to us anytime.:ghug