SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - When the Codependent Mother Drive the Codependent Daughter crazy

howatch · 04-21-2008, 05:18 AM

Hi Chrysalis

I can totally relate to this. i had a nanny for the first few months when I had a new baby (mainly because I knew I couldn't rely on my AM to reliably help me out).

My AM came to visit and started criticizing the quality of the nanny's cleaning as well! I pointed out that the nanny was actually primarily there to help me with my toddler and she wasn't a cleaner as her main job description, but that got me nowhere. My mom started telling me my nanny was not doing her job properly, abusing my trust, etc etc. (Actually I rated my nanny very highly).

My mom then started pointing out various bits of dirt in my home (e.g. the tops of the doors!) and even criticizing my cleaning materials!!

Even my dad was surprised as he remembers my mom ranting about her own mother had upset her by cleaning her house without asking, years ago.

Anyway all the criticisms made me mad. I confess to doing something a bit childish at this point as i didn't have the skills to express my anger in a calm, assertive, verbal way -- but it is funny looking back.

I know my mom loathes cleaning. So i asked her to clean the bits she felt the nanny had missed. She was, for once, unable to argue with this (as i knew she would be) as I was sitting there with a newborn and she has this big Thing in her head about a Mom being No 1 Helper when a daughter has a baby -- so, she did some cleaning!!! I even specifically told her to clean the bathroom as i know she particularly hates that. Oh dear how petty, anyway it made me feel momentarily a bit better.

At the moment we are estranged, but I think if our relationship ever resumes and she pulls that stunt again I will just tell her straight that I find her comments hurtful and ask her to keep any criticisms of my home to herself.

04-21-2008, 05:18 AM	#2 (permalink)
howatch Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 36	Hi Chrysalis I can totally relate to this. i had a nanny for the first few months when I had a new baby (mainly because I knew I couldn't rely on my AM to reliably help me out). My AM came to visit and started criticizing the quality of the nanny's cleaning as well! I pointed out that the nanny was actually primarily there to help me with my toddler and she wasn't a cleaner as her main job description, but that got me nowhere. My mom started telling me my nanny was not doing her job properly, abusing my trust, etc etc. (Actually I rated my nanny very highly). My mom then started pointing out various bits of dirt in my home (e.g. the tops of the doors!) and even criticizing my cleaning materials!! Even my dad was surprised as he remembers my mom ranting about her own mother had upset her by cleaning her house without asking, years ago. Anyway all the criticisms made me mad. I confess to doing something a bit childish at this point as i didn't have the skills to express my anger in a calm, assertive, verbal way -- but it is funny looking back. I know my mom loathes cleaning. So i asked her to clean the bits she felt the nanny had missed. She was, for once, unable to argue with this (as i knew she would be) as I was sitting there with a newborn and she has this big Thing in her head about a Mom being No 1 Helper when a daughter has a baby -- so, she did some cleaning!!! I even specifically told her to clean the bathroom as i know she particularly hates that. Oh dear how petty, anyway it made me feel momentarily a bit better. At the moment we are estranged, but I think if our relationship ever resumes and she pulls that stunt again I will just tell her straight that I find her comments hurtful and ask her to keep any criticisms of my home to herself.