Dee, you've made great points in this thread. I've re-read your replies a few times. I know it sounds like we're going around in circles. That's how I've been feeling to be honest. I want so bad to be rid of this 'want'. And yes, there are things I want more than the drink. You're absolutely right. And I AM happy. I just want this one itch to stop pestering me!
I am quite the perfectionist. I don't let anything 'just be'. Everything in my life has to be perfect for me to relax. Nothing can be out of place. That is part of the problem to. In order to be content, relaxed, I have to have all the pieces in place. This is a piece that I cannot put into place. It doesn't fit. And I have to find a way to just let it be. Leave it alone and move on. Stop dwelling on it. Stop wanting for it to be different. Maybe I HAVEN'T accepted. Maybe that is the problem. So I'll work on that. Find out FOR ME what it means to really accept. Maybe then I can move on and stop struggling. Or just maybe I'll always struggle. I dunno. What I do know is that no matter what, I don't want to drink. I would like to say I WON'T ever drink again, but I know better than to say that. I can only work on today. What I do know is that I won't put my children through what I went through. My daughter hasn't seen me with a drink (of coarse she is only nine months old), and I never want her to. I don't have the right to do that to her.
So anyways, sorry to y'all if I went round and round in circles, I'm trying to move on but it's taking more work than I thought. Everyone's input has been awesome. Really good points for me to think about.
Tay.