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mle-sober · 04-17-2008, 12:16 PM

Becky,

I think I just realized something. And maybe it'll help you and maybe it won't. Have you ever heard of the term "enmeshed?"

I keep being confused by your posts because in some of them you are defening your husband from people here who are telling you they think he's playing you. And, obviously, you had a long heart-wrenching talk on a phone. And then on the other hand, you say you actually hate him. One things he said too that is revealing is he said you guys are going through the same thing only your not drunk.

Take this all and add it up and I think, if I were you, I would try to be cautious about another aspect of this. I think you guys are enmeshed - meaning you have a hard time knowing where you stop and he starts and vice versa. You were his enabler. You bailed him out and he tried to make you think that you needed to do so because otherwise you were a bad person.

So I guess what I'm saying is that (from where I sit far away without knowing you) your job looks even harder to me than it did initially. I think it's going to be really, really hard for you to stay away from him. And I don't think the law is going to allow you to keep his kids from him. So you'll see him sometimes and he'll draw you backk into his deceptive and manipulative web.

One weapon you have here is that you've been talking to a whole bunch of alcoholics who can read the signs. And you've got a lot of us saying that he is lying to you and manipulating you and trying to convince you he's on the path to reform and recovery. But we know what that looks like. And it doesn't look like him.

He is so enmeshed with you that he really wants your approval right now. But what he really needs to get better is for you to keep your boundaries very clear and don't give him anything. And you are so enmeshed with him that you really want to believe (even when every fiber in you knows better) his lies.

I have no right to say I know this about you. And of course I don't. But I think that it's true, based on what I know from my own life, my massive amounts of therapy and from reding your posts. I am rooting for you. Truly and deeply. Be strong.

04-17-2008, 12:16 PM	#37 (permalink)
mle-sober mle-sober Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Golden, CO Posts: 536	Becky, I think I just realized something. And maybe it'll help you and maybe it won't. Have you ever heard of the term "enmeshed?" I keep being confused by your posts because in some of them you are defening your husband from people here who are telling you they think he's playing you. And, obviously, you had a long heart-wrenching talk on a phone. And then on the other hand, you say you actually hate him. One things he said too that is revealing is he said you guys are going through the same thing only your not drunk. Take this all and add it up and I think, if I were you, I would try to be cautious about another aspect of this. I think you guys are enmeshed - meaning you have a hard time knowing where you stop and he starts and vice versa. You were his enabler. You bailed him out and he tried to make you think that you needed to do so because otherwise you were a bad person. So I guess what I'm saying is that (from where I sit far away without knowing you) your job looks even harder to me than it did initially. I think it's going to be really, really hard for you to stay away from him. And I don't think the law is going to allow you to keep his kids from him. So you'll see him sometimes and he'll draw you backk into his deceptive and manipulative web. One weapon you have here is that you've been talking to a whole bunch of alcoholics who can read the signs. And you've got a lot of us saying that he is lying to you and manipulating you and trying to convince you he's on the path to reform and recovery. But we know what that looks like. And it doesn't look like him. He is so enmeshed with you that he really wants your approval right now. But what he really needs to get better is for you to keep your boundaries very clear and don't give him anything. And you are so enmeshed with him that you really want to believe (even when every fiber in you knows better) his lies. I have no right to say I know this about you. And of course I don't. But I think that it's true, based on what I know from my own life, my massive amounts of therapy and from reding your posts. I am rooting for you. Truly and deeply. Be strong.