So I've been doing a LOT of thinking about this whole 'struggle/battle' thing I've written about. I have been determined to express how I feel about it and have other's understand.
In doing that, I thought perhaps I should try to understand what others were telling me about there not being a 'stuggle/battle' if you completely surrender. So I've given other's input some serious thought.
When I think about 'not drinking'....not sobriety, but NOT DRINKING. When I think about not drinking, I feel a struggle, a battle, a war inside me. Others have expressed not feeling that. So I thought 'what can make someone so resigned to an idea that they don't struggle with it?'. Perhaps knowing it isn't a choice??? Sounds simple. If I put my hand in fire I will get burned. So putting my hand in fire isn't an option. Simple. What makes me think maybe next time I do put my hand in fire I won't get burned? Nothing makes me think I won't get burned. I KNOW FOR A FACT I will get burned. I don't have a choice. Doing one thing automatically means the other will happen. No choice involved. No control. Simple. I don't sit around a camp fire and struggle to
not put my hand in it. I don't see a fire on tv and think 'oh my god, if that fire were really here right now I'm sure I'd stick my hand in it!'. So why do I feel a struggle with the drink?
I KNOW I have no control.
I KNOW next time won't be different.
I KNOW all the things that will happen with just one drink.
So why the struggle?
What inside me makes me struggle? I KNOW the outcome. Why can I not see the choice to drink as simple as the choice to not stick my hand in fire?
I dunno!
I DO know that when I think about drinking as something I CANNOT do, I don't struggle with it. But I know I CAN if I want. Is that the problem? Have all my bottoms not been enough? I KNOW I never want to drink again, so why do I struggle?