[hippyhippy]

Oh, I know it all makes sense, but I don't really feel very sensible. I know I shouldn't stop my meds. I think I am just on self destruct. I just kind of feel rebellious and throwing caution to the wind. If someone else was in the same situation, I would be saying "That is not a sensible thing to be doing, please reconsider" but I just feel so fed up with the whole crap of it. I am aware my actions of late are not the cleverist, but I am just so locked in my path forward.

I spoke to a friend today and I told her that it is almost like I 'want' to feel bad. I want to give the two fingered salute to the whole lot of them, docs, therapists, psychologists but I can't cos I feel so F dependent on them. I am such a flippin weirdo, honest to gawd.

I really do think I 'created' my BP, moved my pdoc in a particular direction, told him what I knew he needed to hear. While some of it was real, some of it wasn't, some of it was exaggerated, either consciously or unconsciously as a result of my anxiety. I know I have been ill, I know that without a doubt and I know that I still am but I don't know what with. If there is an illness that turns you into an a**e then that is what I have. At the very beginning of this, before diagnoses, I was convinced I had BP, it seemed to fit me exactly. Now I have done a massive U turn. I think I have really screwed up not always being 100% straight. That is why I need to do this without Pdoc advice. How can I tell him that I maybe made out I was feeling worse than I was cos I was terrified of being abandoned by the Mental Health Team? How can I say that on a couple of times that I said I felt suicidal, I knew I wasn't going to do anything....I just wanted to stop feeling so bad? I was so scared that they wouldn't take me seriously, that they would abandon me, that I shouted a bit louder than I needed to.

Sorry to go on. I am not sure where I am going with this one. I don't really have anyone to tell as no one would approve. I am sure readers here don't approve either. Told you I was a weirdo.

Hippy