MLE,
My AW has been sober slightly longer than you. I completely understand your husband’s reaction. My wife, of 12 years, has told me that the only thing she lied about was her drinking, as you said was your case. However, isn’t that more than enough? I knew what was going on, but when I asked point blank I wasn’t told the truth. Trust is not something you can turn on and off. Either you have it or you don’t. As my boss told me this week, “It only takes one Oh, S—T, to undo a hundred At-A-Boys.” Wouldn’t it stand to reason, you should expect to be questioned at least as long a time as you weren’t truthful?
My AW, like you, has been and continues to working harder this time. This is her first time quitting using help. She did 28 days in a treatment center and continues with both AA and outpatient. I say that because over the past 4-5 years she has “promised” me she would never drink again several times, usually every 5-6 months. My personal fear is this is just another time, just a bit more intense. Although I wake up everyday and she tells me she’s not going to drink today, I still wonder until she goes to bed. This is something I’ve learned through her actions over years, not something I enjoy or even want to have learned, but it is a fact of life.
I also understand his reaction to Al-Anon, what I’ve seen so far is there seems to be 3 primary groups; those who’ve grown up in less that nurturing homes with A’s and those who have either have left their partners because of it or are learning to live with active A’s. It seems, to me at least, that there aren’t many couples that survive this sickness. When we (the spouses), accompany you into rehab, everyone’s world changes quickly. While those of you who suffer directly get incredible amounts of counseling and education, we are told “go to Al-Anon, you need help too.” Where little is said about continuing in a relationship, other than we too need help. I continue to go hoping to “get it” but, generally I leave the meetings questioning, more than I walked in, about what was going on that I didn’t know about. Or was it really worse than I thought.
We have lived with “your” problem for years and now in recovery we’ve been told that it is our problem too, but there is nothing we can do about it. For me at least, there is an extreme feeling of helplessness that comes with her recovery. While on one hand I’m very proud of all she has done in the past 93 days, I think that for quite a while I’ll be wondering is today the day the day……Only time can bring this to an end.
My best wishes on your continued recovery, and keep in mind he is in recovery as well, without nearly as much education or support. As has been said to me, “It’s not that common to see someone arrive in AA with a family intact, be thankful you have that!”
