MLE
I'm in a similar situation. Without the suspicions and accusations, but with the betrayal, lack of trust, hurt, etc.
M'lady is confused, I think. First, by the slow realization that she was in love with someone who put her second. Now by a man who is "recovering" (seven weeks).
What seems so utterly obvious to us is like a foreign country to others. I was totally involved with alcohol and am now totally involved with recovery. Spent hours/day drinking, now spend hours/day not drinking. M'lady spent all those countless hours simply living a "normal" life.
An extremely bright medical professional, she is no expert on addiction, nor is she an expert on addicts. She signed up for a cruise, not a shipwreck. She watched as I took on water and almost sank. She watches now as I bail water and struggle to stay the course.
So, at this point, what is she to think? I own the issue. I'm the "expert." She's the expert on living her life.
She hopes for the best. As a passenger, all she can do is watch me bail and hope that I can "captain" this ship toward home. She now knows that, like the Titanic, there is no such thing as an unsinkable ship. That illusion was shattered. For her life will never be the same.
I don't think she is interested in Alanon or tedious books on codependency. She doesn't own the issue, I do. She signed up for a cruise, not for a course on nautical navigation. She assumed that all was well on the bridge of this ship.
So, I think that all we can do is stay the course and hope for favorable weather. Keep steaming toward recovery. The captain of the Titanic told the passengers not to fear. Yeah, right.
I don't know what to do other than keep things low key and as "normal" as I can. Keep the focus off alcohol and addiction. Do my work. If M'lady were to tell me that I'm "acting strangely," I might reply that she indeed hooked up with a strange man. Not only am I defenseless against alcohol, I am defenseless against the doubts of others. I gave them every reason to doubt.
Children don't mature overnight. Parents wait decades to find out if their children will end up "successful" or train wrecks. We alcoholics are similar to children, I think. Most ten year olds will tell you that they are ready to "drive." Most 16 year olds think that they CAN drive. The parent can only wait and look at the clock. Will they come home?
With seven weeks, I barely have my learner's permit. I can talk all I want, but it will take many a safe trip without "tickets" to prove my aptitude and skill. That's what M'lady wants to see. That's why she is still around. Subtle, undramatic proof over time is all we can do. Every couple of weeks I'll tell her how many weeks I have. I used to be chagrined at her lack of fanfare. C'mon, be proud of me! The parent doesn't cheer every time the teenager comes home safely. It is expected. And the parent is more focused on the next time.
In a way, all this is good, MLE. The suspension of time in our relationships gives us time to focus on recovery. While it gives THEM space, it also gives US space. To focus on navigating our ship. At he same time, I think that we have a right to do so without distraction and accusation. In troubled waters they are bound to be there. The good captain, I think, does not react. To do so takes focus off the course. Time and energy spent defending our actions may result in not noticing the iceberg ahead.
It would be nice to have a solution to this stuff in pill form. It's no more there than was happiness in a bottle. All we can do is live our days, one by one.
Peace,
warren