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Fiara · 12-08-2003, 10:25 AM

Well where do I begin. I am now 25 years old. In the past I occasionally smoked pot or tripped on acid but that's it. I am a very strong, independant woman that always seemed to make the impossible, possible. I knew better than to get involved in other drugs, swore I would never try it. I thought you had to have an addictive personality to use or become addicted. I found out I was wrong. Addiction is the use of anything, or certain things in excess, to avoid your problems, the real issue.
I realize now why I started using Heroin. And how it progressed until I was completely wrapped in it's lethal embrace. I tried it at 23. I was depressed a lot because I was at a point where I was coming of age. Figuring out and becoming comfortable with who I was. I was around people that used and feeling a part of something made me mistakenly feel comfortable. Accepted. It started out as a weekend thing, to have fun, let go. Then as those familiar feelings of not being good enough and being unhappy with my life came, I started using more frequently to numb the sad feelings I felt. I thought I had control over it, and I would never let it have control over me. But slowly and surely it got worse. It made me feel so "normal" that I could handle anything. And not being on it made me feel anxious, again with the feeling that I couldn't handle all my problems. I knew it was serious, after all, now I had begun shooting up. I was laid-off from my job, which made me more depressed. This gave me more time and reason to numb myself.
People say you have to hit rock bottom to stop using. To make the final concious choice to quit. I don't believe that, because rock bottom would be death. Anyone with a progressive addiction is constantly hit with a new low. It depends on the person and their resources to determine if and when they stop. I had wanted to stop for a long time. But as long as I was in the area I was living, it was hard not to use. I had to get it away from me. And I had to learn how to handle life sober and not panic over the problems in everyday life. I had to learn to feel calm again, on my own. I finally, after 2 years of using, struggled and quit on my own. With a bottle of methadone for physical withdrawl, but the mental was up to me. I wanted a simple life again. And I was trying to save my freedom before I ended up as my poor husband, in jail.
I was a success. But unfortunately, shortly after I quit, I became very ill. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I first felt very weak with night sweats, fever, rapid heart rate. I could barely eat or stand up. By the time I got to the hospital, I was on the brink of dying. I found out I had a common disease associated with I.V. drug-users, endocarditis. A staph. infection on one of my heart valves which sent blood clots to my lungs and spread the infection there. Luckily this fatal disease was caught and I was treated before it killed me. But I also suffered complications and had to have heart surgery. In the future, I may have to replace my heart valve.
I have lost a lot because of my addiction. But it seems that I have been given a second life. If all of this has taught me something it has given me a reason to forever stay away and never go back to that kind of life. I can only hope to share my story and hope to reach a kindred someone. If I had been shown the true face of this drug instead of the pretty mask it wore, maybe I could have been spared some pain. Or maybe not, but the reality of it needs to be better broadcast. We need not make such painful, blind choices in the name of taboo.
PLEASE REPLY.....LOL

12-08-2003, 10:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
Fiara Paused Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Baltimore, MD Posts: 2	My addiction.... Well where do I begin. I am now 25 years old. In the past I occasionally smoked pot or tripped on acid but that's it. I am a very strong, independant woman that always seemed to make the impossible, possible. I knew better than to get involved in other drugs, swore I would never try it. I thought you had to have an addictive personality to use or become addicted. I found out I was wrong. Addiction is the use of anything, or certain things in excess, to avoid your problems, the real issue. I realize now why I started using Heroin. And how it progressed until I was completely wrapped in it's lethal embrace. I tried it at 23. I was depressed a lot because I was at a point where I was coming of age. Figuring out and becoming comfortable with who I was. I was around people that used and feeling a part of something made me mistakenly feel comfortable. Accepted. It started out as a weekend thing, to have fun, let go. Then as those familiar feelings of not being good enough and being unhappy with my life came, I started using more frequently to numb the sad feelings I felt. I thought I had control over it, and I would never let it have control over me. But slowly and surely it got worse. It made me feel so "normal" that I could handle anything. And not being on it made me feel anxious, again with the feeling that I couldn't handle all my problems. I knew it was serious, after all, now I had begun shooting up. I was laid-off from my job, which made me more depressed. This gave me more time and reason to numb myself. People say you have to hit rock bottom to stop using. To make the final concious choice to quit. I don't believe that, because rock bottom would be death. Anyone with a progressive addiction is constantly hit with a new low. It depends on the person and their resources to determine if and when they stop. I had wanted to stop for a long time. But as long as I was in the area I was living, it was hard not to use. I had to get it away from me. And I had to learn how to handle life sober and not panic over the problems in everyday life. I had to learn to feel calm again, on my own. I finally, after 2 years of using, struggled and quit on my own. With a bottle of methadone for physical withdrawl, but the mental was up to me. I wanted a simple life again. And I was trying to save my freedom before I ended up as my poor husband, in jail. I was a success. But unfortunately, shortly after I quit, I became very ill. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I first felt very weak with night sweats, fever, rapid heart rate. I could barely eat or stand up. By the time I got to the hospital, I was on the brink of dying. I found out I had a common disease associated with I.V. drug-users, endocarditis. A staph. infection on one of my heart valves which sent blood clots to my lungs and spread the infection there. Luckily this fatal disease was caught and I was treated before it killed me. But I also suffered complications and had to have heart surgery. In the future, I may have to replace my heart valve. I have lost a lot because of my addiction. But it seems that I have been given a second life. If all of this has taught me something it has given me a reason to forever stay away and never go back to that kind of life. I can only hope to share my story and hope to reach a kindred someone. If I had been shown the true face of this drug instead of the pretty mask it wore, maybe I could have been spared some pain. Or maybe not, but the reality of it needs to be better broadcast. We need not make such painful, blind choices in the name of taboo. PLEASE REPLY.....LOL