View Single Post
Old 04-03-2008, 12:39 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
teethoflions
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CT
Posts: 2
45+ beers per day...and counting

I've been an alcoholic for roughly 3 years.

I drink roughly 40 to 60 beers a day. There are days I've gone through my entire "reserve" of two 30 packs and have had to resort to drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol to avoid withdrawal.

It might sound crazy, but it's no exaggeration. How I've become this far gone...I don't know. How I haven't accidentally killed myself yet (I've come close though)...I don't know that either.

Extreme anxiety has alway plagued me since I was very young. I've been prescribed anti-depressants, Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin, sleeping meds, etc. Nothing ever helped me though. No therapist or hyptonist has ever been able to help. Every psych doc I ever saw thought it was all in my head or just didn't think it was that bad. I have trouble explaining how I really feel sometimes.

I got to the point where it was "**** them, I'll help myself." So I ended up taking whatever would numb me. Whatever would help me be "normal". Weed, oxys, barbs, whatever. Alcohol was my favorite choice though. It was cheap and readily available. No dealing with seedy characters and no worrying if my guy would feel like hooking me up with my fix or not that particular day. Grab the beer, go to the counter, pay. That's it.

I have been to several doctors through the years. I've been told I was depressed, have panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, have bipolar disorder, etc. The last time I saw a physician I was told he believed I was severely agoraphobic and might have borderline personality disorder.

I believe I am agoraphobic. After all the research I've done, the symptoms fit me to a tee. And let me tell you, it is a living hell. Just going the 1/2 mile to the liquor store to get my fix is a white-knuckle, death defying trip (well, to me anyway).

Sorry for the rambling. But let me continue if you've even read up to this point.

It started with just drinking some shots of bourbon or just a 6 pack a day. Then it progressed to a 12 pack a day, an 18 pack a day, about a 30 pack a day. Now it's at least two 30 packs a day.

I love whiskey but it makes me a bit loopy, so I stick to just beer because it also gives me less of a hangover compared to spirits.

One point about a year back where I was without a car, I would walk 12 miles back and forth each day to the only liquor store in the area where I was living at the time.

Somedays I go through the city looking for change and collecting cans just to get beer.


(Maybe this belongs more in the introduction area of the forum, IDK)


I'm getting to the end of my rope though.

I can barely function throughout the day. Hell, I'm in one of my very brief moments of clarity as I type this.

Hold down a job? Yeah right. I've been fired from nearly 10 jobs in the past year.

I don't eat much but I drink copiously. I have gained nearly 100lbs in the past year. Probably since I drink so much and am usually too drunk to really move.

I blackout often. I have back and liver pain constantly (I've been told I have a very fatty liver). Constant headaches and panic attacks. I wake up every 2-3 hours in withdrawal (sweats, convulsions, nightmares, cramps, hallucinations). I puke bile and cough blood quite often. I have many bruises. I bruise very easily.

Hell, my wife can't sleep because she often finds me having troubled breathing after blacking out.

I'm hurting my wife and family emotionally. I'd be lying if I said I DID NOT consider suicide everyday.


It's sad. I want help. I know I need help. My family is in total denial about how bad things actually are. Were all in denial. And my friends want nothing to do with me.

I have no health insurance though.

These so called places that will offer you "payment plans" or "financing" have rejected me. Without health insurance and having bad credit and nobody to cosign on something for me...I'm pretty screwed.

I want to stop. Tapering isn't an option. The withdrawal is insane.

I've had seizures, convulsions, etc when I haven't had enough to drink. Cold turkey isn't even an option. I'd be better off playing Russian roulette.

I've also been told to go to AA meetings. I don't really agree with the whole 12-step thing. Plus I am an atheist.

I can't live my life anymore. I don't know what to do. My family and I need help badly. Where can I go? What can I do? I' so lost.



If you read through this. Thank you. I might make it. I probably may not on the path I'm going.

I just want people who aren't as far gone as me to know that alcoholism can get that bad.

Just help yourself if and while you can. Especially if you have the means through health insurance.


Sorry for the extremely long post.
teethoflions is offline