[laurie6781]

I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you what worked for me.

Of course, with Step 1, I had to chew on that one. Had to figure out with a lot of help from My Sponsor, how to get to the very core of my being, with no reservations, that I was Powerless over Alcohol. That Alcohol had become my master, and that when I drank my life turned to chit and was totally unmanageable. That took a bit of time. I realized that my recovery needed to be built on a foundation of concrete, not sand, so.....Step 1 had to be FIRM in my heart and mind.

Now step two actually was harder. First, with help from my sponsor, I came to understand that it was a Power Greater Than Myself. Wasn't sure what that power was yet. And the step didn't say "would" be restored to sanity, it said "COULD" be restored to sanity. Okay, well what was Sanity? In order to understand that, I looked up the word "Insanity" to find one of the definitions jump right out at me:

Insanity...........................the repetition of the same Acts or Actions EXPECTING different result.

Hmmmmm now that I could relate to. After all I had been doing the same thing over and over and over for 24 years and the results had always been the same. Slowly, as I continued to attend meetings and saw others grow and change I realized that yes being restored if not to full sanity but some semblance there of was possible. Ok, I could believe that I could be restored to sanity........................eventually, lol

Then I hit Step 3. First I have to tell you that I had left 'organized religion' at the age of 14 and I was now 36. My whole first year of sobriety I used a Harley Davidson (I know sounds and is funny now many years later, but I was DEAD SERIOUS then) for my HP. Well that did have a bit of a tendancy to confuse me, about Making A DECISION, to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understood him.

So, while going to lots of meetings and watching and listening and NOT feeling a 'part of' but at least feeling SAFE in the meetings, that first year, I also started my "Search" for a "God of My Understanding" for ME. I read everything I could get my hands on (spent lots of time at the library, there was no internet yet) and in the process maybe confused myself more at first, however, finally for me, starting looking at a part of my Heritage that had been "The Family Secret" for as long as I could remember. I went to the Native Americans, to the Elders, and said 'please teach me.' They did. Over many many years now.

What I finally started to understand for me about Step 3 was that in making the DECISION to turn my will and life over, I was making the commitment to One Day At A Time, be the Best ME I could be that day and to do "The Next 'Right' thing in all I said and did for the day." Now at 'doing the next right thing' I was certainly a Novice. Big Time. There again, I used my Sponsor, Her Husband, and others I was starting to trust a teeny bit. You see I had drank since the age of 12 and alcoholically since about 16, so I knew my 'thinking skills', my 'actions', my 'reasoning', all were extremely juvenile and I needed GUIDANCE, lots of GUIDANCE.

I didn't call my sponsor 2 or 3 times a week, I was her PITA (Pain In The Azz). I called her daily, sometimes several times a day, and was at her house several times a week. My sponsor and her hubby over the years played many roles in my life. Parents, siblings, devil's advocate, and my dearest and best friends ever. Slowly, over that first year I learned how to make decisions, about my life, about my day, and in that process learned to do the "next 'right' or 'correct' thing of the moment.

I said all of the above, because I am not sure you are at Step 3. Only you know that, and at 40 some days sober, I don't believe you are really 'thinking' at all clearly yet. My mind seemed to remain partly "MUSH" to almost 6 months. It also sounds to me like you are putting 'other peoples progress' on yourself, comparing yourself to others.

We all grow at our OWN PACE in Recovery and no two of us are alike. Talk to your Sponsor about taking YOUR EXPECTATIONS off of YOU. The questions you are posting here are great, and all any of us can do is tell you what we did. However, your Sponsor, who is slowly getting to 'know' you can be extremely helpful in these early days and months.

Please also get phone numbers, lots of phone numbers, and use them. There will be many times when your Sponsor will be unavailable, and then those numbers will really come in handy. As you talk with others, one on one, you will find many who feel or have felt as you do now.

LL it does get better. Go early to meetings and help set up, it's much easier to talk one on one with someone, when there are only a few there. Stay late and help clean up, again easier to talk to another. Ask someone to go 'to coffee' after the meeting. When others find out you are willing to go, you will become the Invitee instead of the Inviter, lol

Each time I put my hand out, just a teeny bit, someone (99.99999% of the time female) grabbed it, thus it got easier.

So.....................stop comparing, please. You are doing great. As to "feeling like such a sack of potatos" well yeah. I don't remember anyone telling me that when I stopped drinking life would become WONDERFUL. roflmao and I am very thankful that no one did.

Recovery is an ongoing process. Its much more than just meetings. Meetings are the 'fellowship' and some go to 'impress' and some go to feel 'safe' and some go to learn 'more about recovery.' Try doing some things for you............................something you like to do, or stopped doing a long time ago, when the booze took over. Be it knitting, reading, ice skating, roller skating, volunteering at the Animal shelter, something YOU ENJOY.

It is time to be Nice to You! In the process of doing that, some other things in your life will start to fall into place.

J M H O

I apologize for being so wordy..............................your post just brought back a lot of my own early memories.

Please feel free to PM me any time.

Love and hugs,