[nandm]

cinderellawkids, thank you for the quote. I needed that today.

So far today is better than yesterday. Back still hurting. Really want to avoid taking the oxycodone (I hate taking it two days in a row). Not as much anxiety. One thing I did not do yesterday that should have been done is take my antianxiety medication, Klonopin. Novel concept for helping when the anxiety is out of control. Not sure why my brain didn't think of it. As I still have more anxiety than usual today, I am going to take my klonopin right now.

Ok back now, took my medicine. Had forgotten to take my Cymbalta this morning so it is a good thing I thought about the Klonopin.

Got my oceanography final done and turned in with 2 minutes to spare. Whew! That was a relief. Now if I can just get the oceanography research paper finished and turned in by 6pm when it is due then I will be finished with that class for the term. Finished with the calculus last night but worried I may have bombed the final. Can't change that now. Feel I did pretty good on the oceanography final. After today I will only have the sociology paper to finish by Friday, considering I haven't started it (procrastination) that might be a lot of work. Self induced troubles and stress. I know that procrastination only brings stress, not sure why I continue the behavoir. I get so far into the anxiety that I just want to run from everything, that is when the procrastination is the worst. I hate PTSD. I hate not being the functioning, contributing member of society that I once was. Ironically, that was when I was drinking. The PTSD did not hit full force until I stopped drinking. Guess in some ways life was easier numb. No, there is no worry that I think drinking is an option for me as I know that it is a slow suicide that brings those I love down with me. If I were to want to kill myself I wouldn't do it in a slow way that creates chaos and harm to others like drinking myself to death, I would just get it over with. Seen enough ways to do that while working as a paramedic.

Ok project list for today.

• Oceanography research paper
• yoga
• Use TENS unit for back pain
• AA business meeting (I am the business meeting secretary so I am obligated to be there)
• AA meeting, since I am supposed to chair to celebrate my birthday
• not sure what else......guess just get through today

It is ironic that I would be chairing the meeting this week to share for my birthday when this past two weeks has been so tough. The roller coaster has run rampant. The anxiety has been out of control. I realize that the PTSD and my alcoholism are two separate issues. Unfortunately, it is in times like this that the PTSD leaves me feeling I have nothing to offer in the way of experience, strength, and hope for the alcoholism. Although I do, as I am sober today. My life is better in so many ways. Yes, the PTSD is insanity but it is different than the insanity of alcoholism.

Well, it is off to work on the list I go.