[RufusACanal]

Over the years, I wore my welcome out at AA Clubs, AA meetings, Halfway Houses, Three Quarter Houses and Detoxes across the country; the geographical cure was my mainstay. I could only stay dry for a short period of time; three to four months which always seemed like a lifetime or just long enough to get a couple of paychecks at another job . I stayed hopeless; I would never look at life as worth saving, because I never grew past the First Step. As I continued to do the same thing expecting different results, I always found myself in the same crappy predicament. Multiply the same behavior times 25 years and you can see that hopelessness wins out. The last few years of my drinking, I did not bullshit myself anymore into thinking this time would be different; the only difference would be if I came out alive or dead and I was closer to death each time.

My Father dying in 1999 was one of the last straws of my life long spindown; it was also the door to my freedom. This was not to be my last bender, but I was now finally willingly on the road to recovery. Looking back at those times, I can see where I was completely unwilling to chance the possibility of recovery for long; I was without hope. All I wanted was to be clear eyed, have a few bucks in my pocket so I could once again return to drinking the way I wanted to drink.

Breaking the cycle of relapse is difficult and few men and women recover. It took every drink, every lie, every failure and every single loss to finally make recovery the only option besides death for me. I had to be full of beverage Alcohol, completely and without reservation. I had to realize that if I am sucking air; there is hope even for one such as I. Next, I had to rely on something greater than myself. My Dad was gone and there was no one left to lead me. Now I had to find a God of my understanding. This is still evolving, this relationship with God, though it is a relationship now and more than ever.

I cannot save the new man or women from the ravaging effects of Alcoholism, Drug Addict, Sexual Abuse, Criminal Activity, irresponsibility, depression, fear, or hopelessness. I can though be available as long as my conscious contact is in line with my Higher Powers direction. I have more boundaries of sensibility today and not so many of magically thinking.

Each man or woman who comes through our doors is not a candidate for recovery, but each one deserves our complete attention for as long as our Higher Power will allow. This is the distinction between helping and not helping. I cannot supersede God’s plan for others. I must be available if needed and I must continue to tell my story so that others know I am available if and when they do need me. I will be able to help those who refuse my help or refuse what I have to offer. I must let these folks go to complete their journey. Not letting go will damage me and my relationship with God and others. This is one of those paramount tasks; God has the job of God, I do not. Let go and let God.