[DeathnAddiction]

Hi,
It's crazy how many thoughts have gone through my head since I received the news at 10:30 a.m. on Feb. 29, 2008 that my boyfriend decided to take his own life. This human being, whom I loved, had suffered with drug addiction, depression, PTSD, ADHA, etc. etc. and as much as everyone thought that one day he might die, most probable cause, DRUGS, he decided to take his life with a shotgun wound through his head??? I was flying out to spend the weekend with him to celebrate his birthday which I missed due to work. I can't seem to wrap my thoughts around so many things. Why was I with someone like this in the first place? Why did I think I could save him? We said "love conquers all". All his family seems to think that I offered him hope, love, a way of sober living, but I feel like I failed him, and all of his family's wishes. Why you may ask? Well, we fought. I would catch him in lies. I began to lose trust in everything he told me & I was MEAN. All I can think about is some of the mean words that came out of my mouth, but I was just hoping it would open his eyes. Was I a trigger? Was I just another stressor he had to worry about in his life amid his trying to stay clean? Was I just another piece of the puzzle that he had to worry about, that was cruel to him sometimes, that he had to make up more lies to hide what he was doing with his life? His Dr. stated that she was treating him as a suicidal person. I had no idea there was a gun in the house. Somehow he had a way of blowing off his addiction problems with a 1000 other stories to stray a persons mind from the real issues at hand. I am finding out more & more how much he lied to me. I don't know if it was that drugs had really taken over his mind? I am hurt, sad, ashamed for things I have said. He tied everyone's hands. I wasn't allowed to talk to his friends, family, Dr., etc., and he told everyone else the same thing. What really sucks though is that he tried with what I believed all his heart to make me feel loved. He saved whatever $'s he could to pay for me & show me a good time when I would visit him. I am haunted though thinking of the last time I visited him & he asked "why was I so mean? Was I just ******* with him"
We have been together since 2005, long distance for about 18 months, with visits every month. I told him I would not move out there until he had a place, job, something to do with himself everyday. He just kept making the wrong decisions. He obviously was not mentally able to handle the kind of relationship I thought?? I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. God, please know that I loved him.