[shutterbug]

i know, i know, feel free to ignore this post as it's just me and my same old crap.

Even tho so many wonderful things in my life seem to be, at times, going in such awsomely positive directions......i'm still me, i'm still bipolar and it still SUCKS!

Once again i'm having thoughts of suicide and am, once again, voicing it to others. So far i've said something to my therapist, sister and addict. Therapist was only one who seemed to take it serious or half-way understand.

I've been hypomanic most the weekend.....and boardering on full-blown manic. I just drove back into town from sis's and it's 4 a.m.....because i stopped at the casino for a 2nd time today, but this time was a 5-hour stop, costing me at least $250....which leaves me only about $150-100 to get me thru the next 2 weeks. And i jsut pulled a 48-hour cutoff notice out of the mailbox for my gas (although i'm pretty sure i can just all and set up pymt arrangments and things will be fine).

Oh...and i just e-mailed my boss to tell him i woudln't be coming into work today...(now it's actually 5 a.m. and i have yet to sleep, and only got about 4-5 hours yesterday and 3-4 the day before, etc.....)

I hate that i'm going to miss a day of work like this, but if i try to go in to work with how i am doing right now.....i'll only end up worse for having pushed myself so much rather than trying to take care of myself.

Anyway....i don't know how to explain it other than that..... i feel like my life is coming apart at the seams; i'm not doing well, yadda, yadda.

sleep good....me go sleep now,
Jenna

p.s. i'm so out of it i don't know if any of this makes sense and i am slightly fearing that whatever i'm going through right now....might end up leading to some from of psychosis. I've never dealt with that and i think it's more a fear than eve a posoible reality. i don't know.