[nandm]

Not a good day today. Yesterday was not either but today is worse. Had so much anxiety yesterday I wanted to run out of the AA meeting I went to. Too many people, too many people I did not know. Couldn't breath, too hot, too crowded, touchy feely people........... I even took a Klonopin before I left for the meeting. Such a catch 22 if I don't go the AA meetings then I wind up drunk and then my life is really screwed but the anxiety is so bad right now even leaving my house is almost impossible. Woke up this morning with the first thought being go buy a gun. Hadn't had those thoughts in a while. World feels like it's closing in. I am supposed to go to my calculus class tonight, I was supposed to go on Tuesday, drove all the way there and had to turn around in the parking lot and come home the anxiety was so bad. I have taken a klonipin about an hour ago but it isn't helping as far as I can see. I have put on some relaxing music, maybe that will help. I hate feeling insane. Sometimes I question if all this is worth it, today is one of those days. Why do I continue to put myself through this? I am so tired.