Ah... "normal" - what's that? I think I've been struggling with that the most since I left my ex... Which is funny, because for the God knows how long, all I've done is WORK to LOOK normal - and now I'm not even sure what that is. I went to lunch with an old friend today - a guy. I haven't seen him in forever, mostly because it wasn't worth my ex giving me the third degree about who he is and if I ever dated him. But he actually pointed out that I'm different, I don't seem comfortable. My female friends have never noticed this, but particularly with men, I don't feel my old self anymore. I think I realized today just how far from "normal" everything has gotten.
I know how you feel about walking across thin ice. I felt that way while my ex was in rehab and for the months after. It's like a tightrope act. Just try to keep everything in balance, make sure from the outside things look "normal" and get through the day... Even though I'm no longer living it, I still feel the pain. I felt it today when I tried so hard to look "normal" in front of somebody who has known me for at least ten years. I forgot how well he knows me. And I realized why I distanced myself from people - because, like this friend, people who really knew me, would have known that things were not "normal" - no matter how hard I tried.
The best advice I can give - don't push away family and friends who care. Even if maybe they seem judgmental at times, try to keep an open mind and see things from their point of view. I wish now I had done that. I felt so alone, so isolated. And I worked SO hard at making sure that people didnt know I felt that way. Keep friends and family close, allow them to support you. I wish I had.