[GiveLove]

Hi cookie,

Sorry to hear about your dad. I lost mine when he was 63, and remember how it felt. Hugs to you.

Normal? To me, there is no "normal." There is only, "What do I want to be like?"

Truly, it's the only touchstone I ever use any more. I can wrack my brain trying to figure out how a "normal" person would react in a certain situation, or I can step back and think:

--What kind of person would it make me to choose "A" ?
--What kind of person would it make me to choose "B"?
--Which of those resonate with the person I want to remember myself as? Which one will make me proudest of myself?

If I want to sit on my porch when I'm 85 and look back, and be able to say that I was a patient person, I didn't drink a lot, I took care of my health, I always acted with integrity, I understood that sometimes people are just having a bad day, etc. etc. etc................then I've got to act that way now. I worked with a therapist and did a lot of journaling around it to figure out what I wanted Me to look like.

I keep that 85-year-old memory in my head all the time. It takes other people out of the equation and leaves only: What kind of person do I want to be?

My husband is also normal. I understand what you mean when you say he doesn't get you, but I'm in the same boat and, for me, I wouldn't change a thing. My husband is the one who came from a stable, loving home. I trust his reactions to things more than I trust my own, whether he "gets" my pain or not. Oftentimes, I used to find myself hiding behind my family history, blaming it for behaviors that didn't make me proud of myself. What matters is not whether he "feels my pain" but whether he is willing to hold me inhis arms while I work it all out for myself. He can't change what happened to me. But he can be there for me while I continue my healing process.

Normal, to me, is everyone here on this board --- reaching, healing, learning, trying hard to be good people despite the ugly stuff they've been through.

Hugs to all
GL