[nandm]

Mental illness can be so devastating.

I think of all the times I could have wound up dead from a suicide attempt or of all the times I could have followed through with my thoughts of suicide. Although there are still times when I have the thought of suicide, at least right now, the thoughts are not consuming like they have been in the past. I can actually see suicide for what it is today, it is a permanent solution for a short term problem. I am so grateful that I am able to listen to the people around me and know that I need to stay on my meds for my depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorder. There have been times in my life when I would not allow myself to trust anyone else enough to listen to them when they felt I needed to have changes in my meds or that I am not someone who needs to try and go med free. I think back to the first time I actually connected my drinking to suicide and realized that my drinking was just a slow suicide that was not only killing me but everyone around me who cared about me. It was at that point that I realized I either needed to find a way to live without drinking or go ahead a put a gun to my head. Thank God, I was given an alternative and AA was put in my life.

It is too bad that in our society there is still such a stigma attached to mental illness. Too many people fear what they don't understand, think that one should just "get over it" when they are depressed, think (like I did at one time) that anxiety disorders are just for attention, or think that mental illness is not a disease. It is sad that many times I feel I have to hide the fact that I have a mental illness because I feel like people will think or treat me differently and not want me in their life if they knew. Unfortunately for many people this is true. It is the same for my alcoholism. We live in such a judgemental society.

Time for me to get off my

I do have to laugh sometimes at the thought of how people would react if I had to introduce myself with all the things that have stigmas attached to them. I would have to say "hello, my name is Judith I am an alcoholic, lesbian, with PTSD, depression, and an anxiety disorder. Do you want to be my friend?" :rof I can see them running for their lives......... Oh well, such is life, the people that matter in my life know all that about me and still love me. Guess that is what truly matters. I love this saying I found the other day, found it to be so true:
"God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

Thank you to all of you who have chosen to let me stay in your life right now.