[GingerM]

Welcome to the board Gingerbread.

Since it seems like you're wanting to focus on one thing at a time (which is *very* smart way to go about it! It's too much if you try to address everything at once), I'll tell you what I did about trying to figure out what 'normal' is.

For one thing, I had a long talk with my therapist (I find individual therapy works better for me than group settings). Then I started watching the behavior of people around me, analyzing it. Then I defined "normal" - "normal", in a statistical sense, is the group or population with the most number of 'data points' (eg people) in that category. So I started looking around me, not at people I know, but at people I don't know - people driving, people standing in line, people in restaurants etc. And I tried to figure out, if I was to average all those people's behavior together into one person, what would I get?

I decided (and this is my own conclusion - to each their own) that a "normal" person would be high strung, self-centered, stressed out, and in a state of perpetual agitation. I based this on the number of loud angry (or at least pushy) cell phone calls overheard in various places, the number of either clueless or downright aggressive drivers I see on a daily basis, and the number of rude or downright abusive conversations I hear. It seems one can not go anywhere without someone displaying rude, selfish, or anger/aggression driven behaviors.

This is when I decided I don't want to be normal. I want to be *healthy*. I don't think your average "normal" person out there is actually emotionally healthy. I think there are more dysfunctional people than emotionally stable people out there (maybe I just live in the wrong place, I dunno, but it seems to be worse in other places I visit, so maybe not).

Perhaps this will work for you. By no longer focusing on what "normal" is (which places the focus on other people's behavior, not on mine), and instead focusing on what "healthy" is, I've been able to watch and monitor my own behaviors rather than trying to figure out others' behaviors. When it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter what 'normal' is. Remember that "normal" varies by culture, but 'healthy' is a constant.

As for your husband, I recommend that you print out the 13 characteristics, read them to him and talk about them with him. I also recommend that you attempt to describe what is causing some of your behavior to him, even if you're not really sure why or where it comes from. This will keep him in the loop on what's going on, give him some perspective on how your upbringing has skewed your view of the world, and not allow either you or him to stigmatize your situation (which is the worst thing you can do). You've spotted the elephant in the living room, he has too, if you both talk about it, it will help tremendously.

I also married into a relatively healthy (not "normal", but very functional and healthy) family. They are like a foreign culture to me (or they were initially, I've come to believe it now). My husband also struggles sometimes with me, and we have discussions about what buttons got pushed or what old tapes were playing in my head during an unpleasant incident. In return, he has both learned about his own tapes, and also learned about mine. He has, on several occasions, said "You know that's not you talking, that's your parents talking" when I've become very down on myself for not being perfect.

So I really do strongly urge you to talk with your husband, lay it all out on the table, and acknowledge that elephant in the living room. You may not be able to make it go away, but it's so much healthier to discuss it openly than to pretend it doesn't exist.