[aldo1980]

Hi friends!
My plans working in another country didn’t work out and after 4 days I’m already home again.
The job was ok but I had problems with the accommodation. I was sleeping on a filthy uncomfortable sofa and their was no hot water and then the chap I was staying with said he had to leave his apartment by the weekend and I was left with nowhere to go, so I came home.
Nevertheless it was an experience and certainly a good one for my spirit. It was very difficult for me so I took the A.A. book for guidance.
I have understood how bad it is to be selfish and how destructive it is to try to live on self-reliance.
If I look at most things I’ve ever done I can see how selfishness motivated me. I’m trying not to be so selfish now.
I’ve never really been able to express my anger and disagreement too well. I also have a propensity to be angry at people, and things, and situations, which often I keep inside of me because if I can’t tell them to f**k off I don’t know how to deal with it. I read, and understood, in the A.A. book how anger will ruin us. So I’m working on this too, even though I’m not attending A.A. due to logistical reasons I am trying to put what I’m learning from the book into practice.
During the past few days their have been a few situations which have made me mad. For example, I was talking to a girl I’ve been dating for a few months now and she was looking (I don’t just mean looking. I mean really *looking*. Her eyes were almost about to pop out of her head! It was unbelievable) at this guy and he came over and asked her if they know each other. She said yes. He said no. I just kept quiet and left quickly afterwards. I was so mad. I wanted to call her to ask why she’d done that but I didn’t because I knew I was mad. So I prayed a bit and the anger passed. Then their was this situation on the train where a guy bumped into me. I wanted to tell him to be more f**king careful but I let it go.
The thing is that unquestionably their will be situations where to let it go would be incorrect. How am I to go about having an argument if I’m trying not to pass judgment on others?
Anyway while I was away I went all week without gambling or drinking or even taking any sleeping benzo’s. I was in great physical and mental shape. I was really serene. I reckon if I had of stayed their even a few days longer I’d have been able to quit smoking too.
I arrived home yesterday and I went out for a couple of hours today. I didn’t have intentions of playing the machines but I did. I lost about $300 and I’m left with $15 to last me a week now! Fortunately I have enough cigarettes to keep me going and I have just about enough food.
When I’m here, in my town, I really feel as if I don’t have a purpose. I don’t do anything for anybody. I don’t make anybody’s life easier or better. At least while I was working I was trying to make my colleagues lives at work a little more better. Like this I’m just a lost soul.
My life is so meaningless here that I can’t even make a plan for my day in the morning, like the Just For Today thing says, because my life is so disconnected from anybody else.
How can I do anybody else a good turn if I don’t know anybody who I could help?
And now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to immigrate again (for the third time in 6 months!) or to look for a job here, even though what I can do is limited because I have no qualifications. It’s really difficult.
Still life would be even more difficult if i were drinking, so it's not all that bad.