[bob_sapp]

The other day, I was at an AA round-up, and I had a moment of clarity: I looked around, and I saw all these people I knew who have been sober for years, and have virtually nothing else. I saw people who are depressed, lonely, living in fear, frustrated, and generally desperate. I was talking to a friend and the topic went to people who commit suicide in AA (this happens). I can't understand why there is so much misery in AA, and the answer is "keep coming back." Over and over, I hear "don't drink and go to meetings." But I never hear people say things like "do a step 10, 11, and 12 every single day, starting when you wake up, or you might as well get drunk because it will be just as bad." Someone told me the latter last night, I actually did it, starting with step 10 and prayer last night, and then reading "on awakening" today and honestly getting on my knees and praying earnestly for god's will for myself, not my own.

I was talking to a friend who said that we are meant to be "happy, joyous and free." Some people think this is just for the newcomers or right after you do your first step 5. I want that every day. If I do god's will every day to the best of my ability, I see no reason why I should be meant to go through life in misery. I am sick and tired of watching people with years of sobriety have nothing that I want(not to mention the newcomers who don't stay because they have noone who can tell them how to work the program), and it scares me to think that is what I am slowly becoming. I feel like it is either work those steps properly, and make them my highest priority in life, or put a gun to my head. I am sick of quiet, desperate, sober misery and misguided AA, and I don't want to go down the same path I see so many others on right now. I am trying to find the people out there who really, truly get the program. When I get honest about it, I can say there aren't many out there.