Well I said I was all mouth and no trousers - I said I wasn't posting and here I am, thanks guys for the support and making me feel its ok to be here (still!).
Was very sad and emotional yesterday, I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about everything:
I think maybe because I was so upset that I had drank, but also because I REALLY know that I am lying to myself, am running out of excuses.
I also had a heart to heart with my partner this morning. We really talked things through rather than reacted to, for eg, something I had done, said or the way I had acted through drink. I was secretly considering - scrub that say 'going to be'- setting my therapy drink goal (I have many goals!) to 'manage' rather than 'stop'. I wasn't outright admiitting this to myself even, although as tomorrow loomed it got further to the front of my mind. But after yesterday, the talk with my partner and coming back here today I am going to set it to STOP, getting sober.
I know CBT is only the start of recovery treatment but that is enough to deal with for me for now. I have said many times that I am an alcoholic and I need to stop, I will stop...so I am afraid that I won't. Strangely I feel very tearful, sad and anxious about saying 'that's it' this time around. Have I run out of excuses?
Don't get me wrong, my brain is already saying, oh no, it will be miserable, what about that night out, that event etc etc, it's sooo unfair
TOUGH, you are all dealing with that and sticking with it and I am going to start getting some extra help tomorrow to enable me deal with the negative thoughts and feelings I have around drink (and other things).
So its DAY 1 AGAIN, AGAIN. MUST keep my sense of humour, keep at it, THANKS AGAIN GUYS.