FindingClarity

I'm a mess.

Valentines Day I left work and went to pick up my boyfriend. We were going to go to dinner and just hang out.

Before I even picked him I had called my dealer, still convinced that I was going out to dinner. I didn't go to dinner.
I smoked all night, this was the beginning of the worst binge I've been on.

I didn't even go to work on the 15th, I didn't even call in, thank god I still have my job.
At 6am on the 15th when I should have been getting ready for work I was sitting in front of my dealers house waiting for him to open the door. I remeber looking at my dirty fingernails from "fixing" my chore and being digusted with myself. BUT I STILL DIDN'T STOP! WHY????
24 hours after that, meeting my dealer again in my dirty clothes from Thursday he looks at me and says "girl what are you doing, what's going on with you?" My response - "do you want the money or not?"

I had become some paranoid during my binge that when I was driving I thought a UFO was following me at one point. I saw cars without headlights following me, kids on school busses taking pictures of me. Crazy things like that that I've never experienced.

I went home on Sunday and slept like I was dead.

I scared myself this time. Bad.