[hippyhippy]

I am having a problem with my diagnoses of BP and hoping some of you more experienced folk may be able to help me.

Following a very stressful time in my life and an anxiety depression, I began to suffer badly from mood swings. I had always had mood swings as long as I can remember, but they just became more pronounced.

I began to behave way out of character and after a rage I drove off round the country obsessed with getting to somewhere that had no significance to me at all but was very remote. This was a rather surreal experience but I was still mostly in touch with reality. I did something similar again a few months later and slept in my car.(very out of character) Other than my mood swings that were not extreme, it is on the basis of these two rages and some very stupid behaviours (all done with an element of choice, I knew what I was doing: I was trying to let the world know how unhappy I was) that my diagnoses of bi polar affective mood disorder was made.Pdoc said my rages were a 'high' I say they were bad behaviour.

Dx of depression I have no problem with. Even deep depression. I would say I have also been out of touch with reality on a few occasions. I now take my meds every night (but I forget almost every morning...oops), mood stabilisers (sodium valproate), anti psychotics (quetiapine)and anti depressants (mirtazepine). I feel quite good this week (not elevated, just good but that is a blooming elevation on last week!), but that is this week. Last week I was quite deep in depression and wouldn't move my backside off the couch unless I had to.

My problem with dx is....where is the highs? Two rages in a year and I am BP? I don't really overspend, occassionally I will be a bit less cautious. I don't get a high libido, it remains constantly low. I don't have religious experiences, I don't sleep little (I did when not on meds admittedly but lack of sleep is part of depression too) all I can see in me of a high is my rages (not had a white rage since last one in July) and racing thoughts. My thoughts do tend to be very fast when I am not on anti psychotics and I do have all sort of weird and fanciful ideas (like I am going to get a train to somewhere starting with A and not stop until I get on one for every letter of the alphabet, not ending my journey until Z....but I didn't do it...I just planned it) but they usually tend to be more of a self destructive manner. (like planning self harm, even if I am not feeling bad)

I think I have just had a tough time and made some very duff decisions. I am now ready to knuckle down and behave myself but if I am not BP then I don't want the implications it carries for me. I have pdoc tomorrow and I am going to try to convince him. I also have probs with the meds. Part of me wants to stop taking them to 'prove' whether pdoc or me is right or not.

Any thoughts on what I am saying are appreciated.

Hippy