| Hi.
After a 60 hour work week without time to get to meetings or come to SR yesterday, my one day off, I found myself alone under a cloud of depression. I blew off my sponsor and the meeting I was supposed to go to with him. I only left my bedroom to eat.
I know when I'm alone in my head I begin to experience a "peculiar mental twist" and yet yesterday I just went with it. I didn't even put up a fight. Like that first drink, alone I was defenseless.
This happens at some point every time I have tried to stay sober. My head gets......restless. Every morning I pray and turn my will over and every day I take it back. I shouldn't say every day I take it back because I do have days that with prayer, calling fellow AA members, coming to SR and going to meetings I am able to do my HP's will not mine. It takes work but it is so worth it.
Today I called my sponsor on my lunch break, after work went to a meeting and I finally managed to write a page on honesty for my probation officer. I still have to right one on integrity before I go and see him tomorrow night. I hope he understands that integrity is not high on my priority list when I'm drinking and I have done a lot of drinking over the years.
I found myself trying to write a masterpiece on honesty filled with BS and manipulation. My only hope is to write the truth. Gods will not mine.
Thank you all for sharing in this thread. I feel like an outsider because I don't have time to come here each day but I do enjoy reading your posts and seeing the closeness and support you have for each other.
I wish you all another 24.
Cya. |