[barb dwyer]

I first came into the rooms of AA six ? seven years ago.. folowing a three week blackout after the death of my boyfriend. I had, however, grown up around the program, as my sister and various and sundry family members came in and aout of the program while I was growing up.

When it came time for me to do the thrid step .. I just could NOT do it.

I was far too angry at God.

So I went back out.

I felt at the time it was my only choice.
I thought I could handle it. On my own.
Without God.

Five (six?) years later ... I came back to Alcoholics anonymous.
Broken completely.
Shattered.
Legally ... dead.
With nothing ... NOTHING left to lose.

To me, that's the different between a relapse and a slip.

The Presence of ... or the Absence of ... The Infinite.

Some people can no more control that one drink than I can that one cigarette,
or that one Quarter pounder with cheeze or that Dove bar during PMS week.

Who am I to challenge whether they could have white knuckled that one thing?

I couldn't white knuckle the 'urge' that overpowered me at the time.
But with that one thing - it stopped.

With a 'one drink' ... I know - I KNOW ....
it won't stop.

Not this time.
Not for me.

There will be only the final stop for me.

Knowing it that way -
helps me not to pick up that one drink.
That one ONE compulsion .. has sucessfully been removed.

I'm working on the others.
Through the Grace of God ..
I'll get there.
Doesn't mean I can stop being vigilant - I can't.
It only means ONLY MEANS ...
I know I have help.