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Originally Posted by jane_668  Hi guys.I have been struggling with my drug addiction.Everyone told me that my drug use was suicidal and I actually ended up many times in the intensive care unit.I thought that I was enjoying my life but now I know that I was masking a problem that bothered me.My mom is schizophrenic.I grow up depending on myself and taking care of her.I tried to act out infront of my friends as if every thing is normal but nothing is.It's effected me deeply to the extent that I hated life and I hated myself.She's always talking to her self and completely isolating her self from the real world.At first she was scared to ride with me when I was driving but then she accepted but refuses to stay in the car alone.She's so passionate and loves me but I arely care for that.She doesnot accept to take her medications and i have to play so many tricks to give it to her.It's something so exhausting and killing me from inside.I try to ignore her but I can't.In the end she's my mom.There are so many times that I wish she could only ask me how I am doing.I just need her and she's not capable of being there for me.How can I move on?I couldnot accept the fact that she was ill.I know I am being selfish but sometimes it really hurts. |
A friend of mine grew up with a schizophrenic mom. She tells me stories of being woken in the middle of the night to get her mother dressed (only girl who was in the house) so that the cops could take her mom to the hospital. One time she went to visit her mom in the hospital and they sent her away because she was the one her mom said she had to kill which put her in the hospital. Her parents divorced after a while and her mom has a sister she lives with. She is doing pretty good and hasn't been hospitalized for a while and she doesn't feel she needs to kill her daughter anymore.
I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up like that, but I can imagine that it must feel like a great loss to you to not have have that mother figure to be there for you. My mom passed away a few years ago and I long to just sit and talk with her sometimes when I'm having problems. Have you considered a grief support group or program. It isn't selfish to not be able to accept the illness, it's part of a grieving process for that part of your mom that you lost.